Monthly Archives: June 2013

Pain Sucks

This post will be a short one because I broke my foot five days ago. And I won’t know if my doctor wants to do surgery on it, for another 3 days. The foot was x-rayed and MRI’d. And even though I understand that the universe demanded that I slow down so far as to come to a complete stop right now, it really sucks that it’s my right foot; my driving foot. And it hurts.

And all I did was take one big step and rrrrrip, tearrrrr. Something inside, just below my ankle, most likely a tendon, tore. At least that’s what it felt like. X-ray showed a small broken bone. But it can’t show tendon damage. The foot was already unhappy from an injury 11 months ago. And then about 2 weeks prior to full and total breakdown, things got pretty sore and started to swell on a nightly basis. My regular doctor diagnosed a bad strain. The next day, it broke.

Over the past few months, I’ve been doing some huge healing, some huge releasing around my childhood abuse. And with my energy body, my spiritual body, and my emotional body shifting quite a bit, I guess, in order for it to all filter down into my physical body, I needed to stop. And with a 10-year-old son, it’s hard to stop. (Thank God he’s not a toddler!!)

So, for now, I’m going to take time to heal. And wait to see if there will be surgery. We’ll see.


An Angelic Healing

Almost a decade and a half ago, I decided that I wanted to try using hypnosis to lose weight. You see, in an effort to protect myself from verbal and sexual abuse, and as a way to cope, I have used food for probably all of my life. As a child, I vividly remember being a sugar fiend. If I had any candy, it was gone in minutes. Ice cream, cookies, sweet, sticky candy; these were what I craved. I was never satisfied.

As a child I really wasn’t overweight. I look back at photos and see a normal looking, pretty girl. But I also remember having the belief that I was overweight, as early as 9 years old. My mother was always dieting, and by the time I was 12 or 13, I remember buying my first diet pills. Truly, I wasn’t overweight until college, when I gained about 20 lbs. Afterwards, I dieted and worked out, and dropped about 15 of those pounds. Going back to school in my mid 20’s, I gained another 20 lbs. or so, and then lost a bunch of it within a year of graduating. So, even though I might have been at most 15 lbs. overweight by about 30, I always felt fat, defective, and like I was used goods (from having been molested).

By my mid 30’s, I had gained a lot of weight, and I joined one of those national weight loss groups, lost almost 50 pounds, and then life brought me a string of years of major stresses. These included my bipolar mother being diagnosed with breast cancer, and then becoming very manic. When my mother was manic, that’s when she became vicious. Any time my opinion differed from hers, or she felt threatened in any way, she would verbally lash out at me. I would eat even more. She shared little about her cancer, other than letting me know that she was going to have a lumpectomy and some radiation; after which she was cancer free to the day she died. Her mania made my wedding planning and my wedding itself a small nightmare. The weight started to come back on.

Less than six months after being married, I was over the moon excited to find out that I was pregnant, having waited decades since giving up my daughter for adoption, to have a baby that I would keep and raise. Within a few weeks, I had intense food cravings, and ate. About two months into the pregnancy, I miscarried, throwing me into the pits of depression. For months after that, we couldn’t conceive. By the time we conceived another baby, my weight had ballooned to my pre-dieting weight, plus more, putting me to almost 250 lbs. With every uncomfortable emotion, I would eat. With every celebration, I would eat. And it wouldn’t be terribly huge meals. But adding a few extra pieces of toast here, and a bowl of ice cream there, a half a bag of candy, and snacking every night after dinner, before bed, on top of a fairly sedentary life, packs on the pounds before you know it.

Finally, fairly late in life, I had a baby that was mine to keep. But his birth came unexpectedly early, and he had to be flown to a hospital in the big city, where he could receive the support he required. For the second time in my life, I checked out of the hospital, having had a baby, with no baby in my arms. It was eerily familiar. But three weeks later, a month before his due date, our bundle of joy came home. From the start, I was more than sleep deprived. The baby didn’t nurse well, then he had some other issues. He didn’t sleep well, fussed a lot, and soon had a lot of meltdowns due to neurological issues. My hormones were out of whack. My thyroid was too. I was trashed.

And I was depressed for the first five years of my son’s life. I hadn’t realized that I was depressed until I read some things and wondered if my total exhaustion was in fact depression. When I brought it up to my doctor, she blew it off as having a busy young child. But I knew this was more than that. It took getting a glimpse of the world through non-depressed eyes to realize that I was, indeed, quite depressed. Switching doctors, getting hormonal and thyroid support, as well as having some healing work done, made a huge difference.

One day, I discovered a weight loss program where I could pay one (large) fee and see one of their hypnotherapists as many times as I needed, to lose weight. Unfortunately, the nearest hypnotherapist with this program was about 110 miles from me. But I really thought this was the way to go. I had long since realized that dieting was not going to help me. So, I made an appointment and saw this woman. We had a few sessions, and one day when I was deeply relaxed in hypnosis, something unexpected happened.

We were trying to work through some old hurts, when my hypnotherapist asked me to go to my “peaceful place.” I had previously established a peaceful place, and she asked if I wanted to go there or to a new place. This is when things got interesting.

Instead of my imagining a lovely green meadow or a tranquil tropical lagoon type of setting, I immediately found myself on the snowy slope of a mountainside. I had no conscious part in this- I was just there. Everything was covered with snow, with it falling so hard that there was a white-out. All that I saw was white and pure. Then, out of nowhere, I saw a big white angel for just a moment, off to my right, and then it disappeared. A moment later, the angel was behind me, enveloping me with its wings. The wings were huge and white. I remember that it stood a bit taller than me, and I sensed that it was most definitely an “it.” Neither a woman, nor a man. I have read that angels are an entity unto themselves, and have no specific sex- although they tend to have either a male or female energy about them.

It totally surrounded me and began to heal me. As I looked down at my body, it was now translucent, like a clear plastic, and snow was swirling around inside me. The snow was cleaning and purifying me. I felt my spirit becoming clean and pure. I was reminded that I am a child of God. And because God’s creations are perfect, I am also. The feeling was more than intense, and it left me thanking God over and over again.

What the angel did that day, was help me release the old label of “Used Goods” that I had carried for three decades. At that time, I didn’t know that we all have a guardian angel with us, as well as other angels that come in to help us whenever we ask. But I have since learned that we do. This was not the last amazing experience I would have in hypnosis. There would be more, and each time, they seemed to be of a spiritual nature.

Did the hypnosis magically cure me of being overweight? No. My subconscious reasons for eating are many; but I’ve been chipping away at them for the past several years, releasing old negative beliefs and emotions, and reclaiming the true light that is me, bit by bit. Do I still use hypnosis as a healing modality? Yes, for sure. It’s one of my favorite ways to discover the unconscious beliefs that motivate me every day. I have also discovered other “alternative” healing therapies that have worked for me, and I’ll write about them as well.