Monthly Archives: July 2013

Shift in Perspective: Power

While watching my Sunday morning soul food, Super Soul Sunday, Iyanla Vanzant was interviewed by Oprah. Something that Iyanla said, triggered a big connection in me, linking together several things that I have learned about life.

Iyanla states that God decided to put her in a black, female body, born to an alcoholic mother and a womanizing father. In my own experience, it is our soul who agrees to the parameters of our life, planned out before we are born. And it is with the blessings of God and all of our guides and counselors in spirit. I have learned that only the strongest souls want to face the most difficult challenges. You see, when we are existing in the spirit plane, we are living in love. We don’t experience negativity there the way we do here in the physical. So, when we pick our sex, nationality, physical and mental challenges, parents and family members, before we come into our current lives, the strongest of us, who want to face the biggest challenges giving us potential to learn some big time lessons, pick some very gnarly situations. We often forget how hard it can be here on the physical plane.

In my experience, I have noticed that people who have been raised in a church, who have come to their spiritual lives through the lens of a church’s paradigm, see God as an individual existing outside themselves, and they often personify him. When things in their lives are not going well, they might blame God for it, or ask, “Why me?” They ask, “What did I do to deserve such bad things to happen to me?”

To me, God isn’t necessarily an individual, it’s the energy that spawns us all and is life. We are all begun from a spark of this energy of unconditional love. Thinking about God in this way, I don’t ever wonder if God loves me, because I am part of the love that is God. And God isn’t judgmental, vengeful, spiteful, or have any of the other human traits that we often ascribe to it. Those are ideas that were originally created in order for churches, many years ago, to be used to control the masses.

So, before I was born, there was a pow-wow between my soul and the other souls in my soul family. We settled on the lessons we wanted to learn during our incarnation, and we created the cast of characters who are in our play. It was decided what sex and race I now am, and who would play my various family members.

The agreement between me and the soul who was my mom, was that she would be mentally ill during this lifetime. She would carry on a pattern of female wounding that was passed down to her from her mother, and it would involve wounding me. It was also decided that she would be white and upper middle class, so there would be the chance for her to get help with her illness. If she had picked to marry someone who had an addiction or a mental illness, the chances are that she never would have been medicated, and her life wouldn’t have been as good as it was. And in turn, I probably wouldn’t have learned my life lessons (one of which is forgiveness). In my picking her to be my mother, it set me up to reinforce a belief that life is pain. Living with her honed my ability to be an empath: to feel other people’s emotions, and to be able to sense danger using my sixth sense. I can tell when someone is lying or is being deceitful.

Being raised by my mother also caused little bits of my soul, my energy to splinter off. Every time she would bark at me, I would cower and in essence gave up a piece of myself. I learned to have no boundaries, to give up bits of me, to give away my energy little by little. I had no sense of self, no healthy boundaries, and lived to please others. I gave myself away for decades.

The agreement between me and my older brother was that he would come in as my brother, and he would prey on me, gain control over me, and sexually violate me. My lesson was to learn to be able to move past feelings of hate and self loathing, and to forgive him. Included in that lesson, was to learn to value and love myself. With the help of a wonderful local psychic healer, during a healing session, I learned that my brother’s soul and I have tried to work out this same lesson before. But in another lifetime, he was a harem owner and I was kidnapped into his harem when I was 12. Things went from bad to worse, and about 6 or 7 years later, I killed myself. During this current incarnation, having this same soul be my brother was chosen to help me be able to move into the place of forgiveness a little more easily than the set up we had before.

As with my mother, I gave up bits and pieces of myself to my brother, beginning when I was very little. I wanted to play with him, and I wanted him to like me. He learned early on that I would do what he wanted. And as we grew up, he would often test me, asking me to do things that I didn’t want to do, or things that didn’t feel good. Every time I would submit to his will, a piece of my soul splintered off. I gave away my energy. I gave away me.

So, I see my life as, in the beginning, coming from a place of people around me doing to me. And in return, I gave myself away, bit by bit. I had no boundaries. No personal boundaries. No energetic boundaries. And deep in my heart, I decided that I was not ok, that there was something wrong with me. And every time my mother would lash out, this feeling was reinforced. Because of all the crazy around me, I learned to not trust my own intuition. To feel ok about life, I ate. Food was my comfort; especially sweets. (To this day, I am amazed that I am not an alcoholic or a drug addict).

And as I grew up, I continued to live this way, and lived with the unpleasant consequences. By the time I was a teenager, had given birth, and had given up my daughter for adoption, something inside me started to get mad. (Sorrow often manifests as anger). Since I had grown up with a caustic tongue occasionally searing me, when I was mad I started to give it back. I also dabbled with bingeing and purging. But I just couldn’t do it. I had no boundaries, and was a people pleaser and a door mat. I listened to what other people thought I should do, not what I felt was right for me. I totally ignored my inner voice and wore the invisible label of “Used Goods.”

By the time I was in my early 20’s, I had graduated from college, worked for a local bank, didn’t like the job, and had no direction in my life. By the grace of God, I had been reading about career choices, and had been trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, when the message of doing something I like, stuck with me. What did I like? When I figured that out, I dipped my toe in that arena. I took a step in a new direction that changed the course of my life.

So, I struck off in my new direction, weaving a little bit this way, turning a little bit that way, making adjustments as people do. But from time to time, because I was still full of energetic holes, and continued to give my power away, I would act out, or make stupid choices. After breaking up with my first true love of almost 3 years, my choice of work took me several hundred miles from home for 6 months, and I became quite the tramp. It was a time where having sex became a game for me. It gave me a false sense of power to bag my prey. I was proud of the fact that I could have sex with up to 3 different guys in the same day: lunch and an afternoon delight with one. Dinner and sex with another. And a late night tryst with a third. And when I wasn’t working, I drank… too much. Thank goodness I got most of this out of my system during that time away. But drinking more than I should have, and using sex as a game from time to time, stayed with me into my early 30’s, happening less and less frequently as I grew up.

The real work, I have learned, is to hunt down all of these missing pieces that I gave away while I was growing up, and even when I was grown. Some of the biggest pieces of me were given away when my brother raped me repeatedly. Discovering that one was easy to see, but dealing with it has been quite a process. As I find these missing pieces of my energy, the job is to reintegrate them into my whole. There is a woman, Sheila Gillette, who channels angelic wisdom in the name of Theo. Theo calls this process Soul Retrieval. I have learned that there are many ways to bring these bits back to yourself. My favorite is hypnotherapy. Also having psychic healers has helped me a lot.

And as important as finding myself, I have learned to plug up my holes and to stop giving away my energy, my bits and pieces. To stop being a door mat. I’ve done this with conscious awareness (and have to remind myself from time to time).

What it looks like to give away your energy or yourself can look like a lot of different things. In everyday life, it can look like the text-book people pleaser: doing everything asked of you until you have nothing left, volunteering for everything in sight, and giving until you eventually become resentful. It can come out as someone being passive aggressive: not speaking what you really want, settling for less, not dealing with a challenging situation and then becoming vengeful about it, taking out your anger and frustration on another person, when it’s really you that you are mad at.

I am now aware of my personal boundaries: where my energy stops and another’s begins. What this looks like, is respecting myself and taking care of myself. It is taking on only that which I can realistically do, even if it means letting someone down. I make sure to give myself “me” time. It is holding a space of compassion for another person who is in pain or who is struggling, but not stepping in to take away the pain or trials. It is respecting another’s person’s journey and lessons so much that you allow them to figure out how to move through their pain. Of course, I offer help and guidance. But whether that offer is accepted, is not my worry or problem. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. And it’s not your job to make them drink.

It is very freeing to change your perspective from one of being a victim, to one where you know that you have power and some control over how your life unfolds. Discovering pieces of you that have been left behind, and bringing them back home, is just one good way to help make that shift.

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What’s Eating Me: Abortion Rights

From time to time, I will write about a subject that is a real trigger for me. Something that I have absolutely no middle ground on. Today that subject is the legal right for a woman to receive an abortion.

My mother grew up during the times when a woman could not get a legal abortion. Did abortions happen? Of course they did. As long as there have been unwanted pregnancies, and as long as women have figured out how to end these unwanted pregnancies, there have been abortions. And there will continue to be. Many illegal abortions ended up with the women getting infections, injuring their uteruses, and in some case, dying. And all because a bunch of politicians have decided that a woman’s right to control her body in the case of an unwanted pregnancy is the purview of the law. Bullshit.

The biggest hypocrisy I see with regard to politics and abortion, is limiting a woman’s right to control her fertility and her body, while at the same time, actively training people for, and promoting murder of men, women, and children. Yup. Every time a member of our armed forces are trained to shoot or bomb, the government is promoting murder. It’s not ok to end an unwanted pregnancy, but it’s ok to kill people in the name of war? Bullshit. Such hypocrites.

The church has also decided that they need to stick their nose in, as well. It’s bad enough they tell us that if we don’t believe this or that, we will be damned and will go to hell. They tell us that if we end an unwanted pregnancy, it’s murder. Bullshit. It’s not. If the fetus is sufficiently developed that it can survive outside the womb, I do have a problem with ending the pregnancy. But at the early stages of pregnancy, when the fetus has no chance at all of surviving outside the womb, the woman who owns the womb is responsible for the pregnancy and calls the shots. It’s her body.

Further, for those misinformed religious leaders who insist that a fetus is equivalent to a living baby, I say bullshit. Realistically, when a fetus is going to be aborted, the soul doesn’t merge with the physical. [A soul can merge with the physical at any time during the pregnancy, and sometimes, waits until after the baby has been delivered.] If a fetus is aborted, the same soul can come in to a later pregnancy, when the mother is ready to be a mother. The video is a conversation between Dr. Norm Shealy and Dr. Gladys McGeary,

Or the soul may come in as a grandchild or the child of a friend. And sometimes the soul chooses to stay in the non-physical realm. The same things can happen to a soul in the case of miscarriage. The soul is immortal: it has always existed and will always exist, regardless of the state of the physical body. Abortion before the fetus could possibly survive outside of the womb is not murder. Period. And to try to convince people that it is, makes me sick.

If my pregnancy, when I was 14 and had been routinely molested, had been discovered earlier, I most certainly would have had an abortion. But I hid it until it was much too late. Abortion was not an option. However, when I was about 20, I had a moment of stupidity with my boyfriend at the time, and had unprotected sex. Most of the time we used protection, but not always. We were stupid. I got pregnant. And because I knew at the time that there was no way in hell that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy, that we were absolutely in no position to be parents, and I had already been through the heartache of giving up a child for adoption, I had an abortion. Did I ever have regrets about it? No.

As I was trying to figure out just why this is such a hot button issue for me, I realized that politicians and church leaders trying to control my fertility is much like my brother taking my power by repeatedly molesting me and controlling me throughout our childhood. They are trying to usurp power that is not theirs to take. And I will not stand for it.

As a final thought, having the legal right to have an abortion does not automatically mean that right will be exercised. But it’s my body and my legal right.

A Healing In Hypnosis: Giving It To Jesus

For the past few years, I have been using alternative methods of healing to deal with being molested and verbally abused when I was young. I have found a few methods to bring real healing to me: to my spiritual body, to my emotional body, and hopefully soon, to my physical body. One of my favorites is hypnosis. It lets me get to the root of things, and make real change.

For those, who don’t understand, when we get sick, we become sick at levels that are outside of our physical bodies. It is only after time, when we don’t deal with or clear out things like stuck negative emotions such as fear, that the disease finally manifests in our physical bodies. Disease can also carry over from other lifetimes. I’ve seen this particularly with irrational fears.

So, what am I working on healing? I am working on healing my thyroid, my stomach, joint pain, and carrying a lot of extra weight. I am working on releasing a lot of fear that has been trapped in my body for years. I am working on forgiveness towards my mother and my older brother.

How’s it going? Actually, in the past 2 plus years, I have been fast tracked, and have done a lot of amazing healing. And a big chunk of this has been with the help of hypnosis and some talented hypnotherapists. This past spring, I made a commitment to myself to invest time, money, and energy on my healing work, using a hypnotherapist. The first few sessions, are what I see as a settling in period. She got to know me; I got to know her. And in late May and early June, we had a few sessions in particular that found some energy that was ready to move out. Some old, stuck, yucky, crap.

A more recent session began with my hypnotherapist and I talking about how I was feeling very down and depressed and self sabotaging for the past week or more, so we looked at what’s going on. She took me through her induction phase that got me all comfy and relaxed. In fact, sometimes I would get so relaxed that I’d almost fall asleep. But pretty soon, she was asking me questions, and I came back up enough to answer.

She started with a question and I tuned into myself to find the answer. As soon as I turned inward and tuned in, my stomach got very tight and hurt, and my heart was racing. There was fear and black tar like stuff in my stomach. It was awful. When we looked deeper, I saw that I was afraid of the boogie man: my older brother. I was about 5 and he wouldn’t leave me alone. Then she had me put a barrier between us. Next, she asked for a strong mother figure to step in and help me. I imagined my mother as she was when I was little, but not mentally ill. In my scenario, Mom protected me from my brother and looked at him, asking what’s wrong with that boy, for him to act the way he was acting. She decided that he needed a psychiatrist and eventually got my brother into counseling, where the counselor declared that yes, he was defective (this part was almost a bit cartoonish). As soon as that hit me- that my brother was defective, the waterfall of tears hit.

In hypnosis, I can begin to create scenarios in my mind, and then something will take over and connect dots, or create breakthroughs. It’s like an Aha Moment will happen. That’s what happened when I realized that when we were young, it was my brother that was defective and not me. It was my mother who was mentally ill, not me. It was the shit swirling around me, and the craziness I grew up in that was all fucked up. Not me.

As is so very common, when a child grows up in a dysfunctional home, they often (if not always) take on beliefs that they are somehow at fault. They are not enough. They are less than. They are defective. And even though I know, as an adult, that things were NOT my fault, to experience this epiphany at the subconscious level, in hypnosis, is a whole different ball of wax.

As soon as I had the intense realization, I was surrounded by my angels, guides, and family. I could sense this wonderful crowd of support surrounding me. Then black, yucky, horrible stuff started flying out of my stomach and my stomach began to fill with gold sparkly energy that was partly mine and partly from Jesus. Jesus stepped forward and held out his hands, telling me to hand him all my burdens, that he would take them all. (I bawled harder). He told me to leave nothing behind; that he would take it all. The black energy just flowed to him as I filled up with good stuff. This went on for a while, and I got the message that it would continue on for the rest of the day, until the process was complete.

The big message that came through loud and clear, other than the fact that I was not defective, was that I am a child of God. And as such, I am perfect. Yes, I have imperfections, but that’s just because I’m human, and people do stuff that isn’t perfect. It’s the message that the “I” that is “me” (I guess I’m talking about the I AM) is perfect. And that I don’t have to stuff “I am defective”, down my throat into my stomach any longer.

I know that a huge layer of healing happened that day. It affected my emotional eating in a positive way. And I have a feeling that my stomach got a big healing as well. Now I wait to see when this affects my physical body. In some instances, the effects of this sort of healing can move into the body immediately. (That’s when people say that a miracle has happened). But more often, it takes time. How much time? Who knows? A few weeks? A few months? At this point, it’s not mine to say, and I’m not even going to begin to guess. This is the part where I’ve done my work, and I give the rest to the universe, to God.

And in order to assist in and assure my resting, I recently broke my foot and had reparative surgery on it just a few days ago. I am required to sit with my foot elevated. And as I sit and rest, the healing energies are doing their thing. The universe works in mysterious ways!

Why I Needed to Break My Foot

I have an amazing friend who has had 2 near death experiences where she met God and talked with Jesus. Besides that, she was born very open to the spirit world; very psychic. Her connection with the world of energy and spirit is tremendous, and one I implicitly trust. When I want to know the meaning behind an event, I check in with my own intuition first, and then check things out with her. Having deeper meaning, a sometimes new perspective, has always helped things make sense for me.

With having broken my foot just over a week ago, I could have sat down and sunk into a deep pity party. It would have been so easy to do. I can’t drive now. Getting around and doing half of what I normally do, tires me out so much. And a trip I had planned to visit family and have lots of fun, is now off the table. I just cancelled hotel reservations, a rental car reservation, and am about to cancel our flight. And I just found out that I need surgery to repair a tendon that tore, and to remove an extra bone that broke, in my foot.  No one would blame me for wallowing in misery for a while.

But because of how I think these days, the first thing that popped into my head was, what’s the real purpose behind this injury. Obviously, slowing down and taking time to rest came up right off the bat. But my psychic friend was able to give me even deeper insight into it all.

She told me that when we suffer abuse- each abuse incident- the child fractures off. There are children to heal inside of me. I am adult now and it’s time to help heal them and integrate them back into myself. I have done a lot of work to heal on the energetic level. But now I need to have time to sit and let the energies do what they do. HEAL me.

I have a feeling that I’m going to be a different person at the end of this summer, than at the beginning. With surgery coming up on July 15, I don’t know how much I’ll be writing. So if it’s a while, bear with me. I’ll be back.