Monthly Archives: January 2014

Waves of Life

Things in life happen in cycles. But because I have a left hemisphere of my brain, they appear to me to happen in waves. I go through this and then that. And then this comes back for more.

I wake up exhausted for what seems like endless days. My nights are interrupted by life. But then I get a few good nights sleep and feel good again, but not today.

I react (and not in a good way) when I think about my childhood and the past. “Live in the moment” all the gurus say. It would be easy to do if I didn’t have the left hemisphere of my brain.

Then I remind myself of the higher perspective of my life choices. Yes, I chose to be born into this dysfunctional family. I chose to have a mother who was mentally ill. I chose to live under the same roof as a brother who would prey on me and use me as his personal sex toy. I chose to have a father who made a lot of decisions based on fear. And I chose to be an extremely sensitive, christened child of God, who would walk through fire.

I remind myself of how far I’ve come in my healing, and I notice moments in life when I remain calm in the face of a small tornado. I have actually healed quite a bit. But then that wave of feeling good moves through and another wave moves in, wave after wave.

I know that in order to manifest, I need to live in the energy of already manifested, already here. But it’s so hard when my reality, as dictated by my physical body, shows me that certain things I want are not here.

“I’m not patient, Mom!” my son told me one day when I was telling him that he needed to be patient. I’m sure that my spiritual team is telling me to be patient and to keep doing the work, but I’m not feeling very patient these days. Just waiting on another wave to take me to shore.

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The Cycle of Shame and Blame

As often happens, something occurred in my life that got me thinking about something and my brain wouldn’t let it go. This time, it’s shame and blaming.

My son and I were hanging out with a girlfriend and her 2 daughters (7 & 9 yrs. old) at a local swimming pool. While we were there, girlfriend and I opted to not swim, but to sit poolside and watch the kids.

We sat by a table, and shared it with another mother who was watching her 2 kids and a friend. At one point, I realized that a young diver I had been watching, and who impressed me, was her son, so I complimented him to her. We began to chat.

The other mother mentioned that they had all been there for about 4 hours, and hadn’t even had dinner yet (as it was nearing 9pm). Then she commented that they would probably go to McDonalds’ drive-through, not that her overweight daughter needed to eat McDonald’s. I responded with something to the tone of “does anyone really need to eat McDonald’s?” Then she talked about the fact that her kids often had friends at the house, and that she liked it because her daughter was more physically active when friends were over; and because she’s heavy, being more active was a good thing. I agreed and said that my son was also more active with a friend over, and it was good for him, too. She also mentioned that her son never stops moving. He was about 9 and was all skin, bones, and muscles: pure action.

Then, in commiseration about being concerned with our children’s weight, I launched into a story about a nurse practitioner at my son’s pediatric doctor’s office telling me, during a well child visit, that my son’s BMI was too high, and did I want a referral to a nutritionist. That nurse practitioner, although well-intentioned, has no idea why my son needs to keep a little layer of chub; and I wasn’t about to try to explain it. (It’s his way of protecting himself from all of the energy that he is bombarded with all of the time, as he’s extremely sensitive to energy). The next year, I scheduled his well child visit with his pediatrician, whose main concern is, is the child healthy.

After a while, the conversation wound down and that other mother gathered up her kids and friend, and left. That’s when my girlfriend turned to me and thanked me for carrying the conversation, because she was about to go off on the woman. The first thing that popped into my head was WTF??

Then girlfriend went on to rant and rail against the woman referring to her daughter as fat. Girlfriend said that the mother probably called the girl fat to her face. I definitely got the sense that this mother might have recognized that her daughter is overweight, but would not call her such names to her face. Just my thought there. However, some bell in my girlfriend definitely got rung, because she went off on a 10 minute rage, with her eyes bulging out and the veins in her neck sticking out.

She told a story of witnessing a mother who had been given some bad news, go off on her 12-year-old daughter in a very inappropriate manner, blaming the daughter for something that she had absolutely nothing to do with. Then girlfriend apparently went off on that mother, telling her “shame on you for talking to your daughter in that way.” And when girlfriend was told to mind her own business, girlfriend said that when the girl was treated this way in front of her, it was her business. Girlfriend was ballistic!

Girlfriend painted a picture of herself as the savior to kids who are treated badly (whether they actually are, or if she just thinks they are). I found this to be interesting, and her reactions to be unusually strong, especially considering how she herself chooses to discipline her daughters (threats, blame, shame). I distinctly remember one time when her younger girl was four and was having a bad day (she was probably over tired, because she was often put to bed too late and didn’t get the naps that she needed) and in complete frustration because her daughter wouldn’t mind her, girlfriend put her 4-year-old daughter into a cold shower to get her to listen to her mother. The day she did that I was a gnat’s ass away from reporting her to child protective services.

The level of reaction to something is how I’ve learned to see when there is a wounded lion inside wanting out. With my girlfriend, she made assumptions about a woman she didn’t know, and spent only 15 minutes gabbing with. Based on not much evidential information and a whole lot of internal wounds shouting “hear me!” my girlfriend was ready to string this gal up in front of a public mob.

I know a bit about my girlfriend’s upbringing, but I’ve only known her about 12 years. What I do know is that when she was around 4, her older brother (8) fell off their father’s fishing boat (while Dad was below decks getting high with his buddies) and drowned. After that, her family never recovered. Her father tried to kill himself, using drugs and alcohol, and to date (over 30 years later) has not succeeded. Her mother sought refuge in her religion. I can only imagine the horrific wound that happened to her and to the entire family. From what I see of girlfriend, her 2 sisters (one is an alcoholic) and her now divorced parents, none of them have done the work to heal from the death of her brother.

What came to my attention, other than wondering exactly what beliefs in my girlfriend were reacting so very strongly whenever she saw another child being treated in a way that she saw as neglectful or abusive, was witnessing the energetic pattern that we call shame, get passed on. And I see that it will continue to be passed on until someone becomes educated, has their consciousness raised in some way to stop the continual transmittal of shame and blame.

A parent controls their kid’s behavior by telling them that if they don’t clean up their room, do their homework, do their chores, then the can’t go do something fun, have ice cream for dessert, have some of their Christmas candy, watch TV, play their Xbox, etc. If the child resists, the parent ups the anti. If the child still resists, the parent uses tactics like shame to try to coerce the child. If the child still resists, they are punished or thrown in a cold shower. All of this cements into a child’s mind that they are bad, not worthy, not ok.

It always comes down to a power struggle; and when you try to overpower another person on a regular basis, eventually, they rebel. This, along with not dealing with our internal wounds, sets up the perfect environment to perpetuate shame and blame.

So how do we make a change? If you are a parent and use the punishment, blame and shame game, switch up your parenting tools by learning new ones such as the ones taught by Jane Nelsen at Positive Discipline. A little hint: the focus is on teaching, not punishment. And some of the tools work great for adults as well (think employer/ employee relationship).

If you notice that you tend to go off from time to time, and blame it on stress, it’s not stress, it’s something deep down inside you that needs to be examined. A professional counselor might be able to help. I personally prefer a respected and reputable psychic. One of their gifts is the ability to see the truth of a situation. Or if you are a person that meditates or are in touch with yourself, just get quiet and ask what’s going on. Work on your inner lions until they just sit inside and purr.

I personally would love to see a shift in our society away from blaming and shaming. All it does is perpetuate fear and bad behavior all the way around.

Then and Now

The other day, something I saw took me back to my childhood. I got to thinking about how I used to look at life. When I was little, my brothers and I seemed to always be fighting. I didn’t like it, but didn’t know otherwise. Our parents didn’t have the knowledge or skills to teach us kids to negotiate among each other and to learn how to get along. It never occurred to my mentally ill mother that our oldest brother was a sadistic control freak.

Every night as I fell asleep, I would imagine a knight in shining armor who would ride into my life and carry me off, rescuing me. It wasn’t until my 40’s that I remembered this and put the pieces together. So much of my childhood was blocked in my memory until the past few years. It was a childhood spent in fear, into my early teen years.

As I grew into my teen years, after I had been molested, had given birth to my daughter and teenage hormones kicked in, the anger began to set in. I became angry at my mother for her being verbally abusive and acted like a bitch when she’d attack me. I learned to give back as good as I got. I was angry at my brother, but because that whole incident was kept such a secret, I couldn’t even openly express that anger, so a lot of it was suppressed for several more years.

Another theme that crept in during my young teenage years and eventually plagued me was the belief that I was overweight. This was instilled early in life thanks to my mother always talking about how she needed to lose weight, and with her always being on a diet. And she was not overweight. Her self-image was crap, and she taught me to feel the same way about my body. I remember one time trying to purge after I had eaten a bunch of junk food. Fortunately for me, I was repulsed by this one time, and it never happened again. Because food was always something I loved and even craved, it became my drug of choice. So, craving food and yet believing that I was always overweight and should deny myself that which I craved, made me feel even worse about myself.

As I became an adult, my behavior became a bit like Miley Cyrus, experimenting with control and with my sexuality. At 19 I had my first real love. He wanted to wait to have sex until he was married. I didn’t. I won. We had not been very stringent about using birth control every single time, and I ended up having an abortion. Even though he was lovely and treated me well, there were a few non-negotiable deal breakers that made him not husband material. By age 23 I broke up with him.

The winter after that I worked a job in the Florida keys, cooking on a boat for chicken shit pay.  I didn’t know how to find an affordable place to live, so I fucked one of the guys on the boat repeatedly until I had instilled myself as his girlfriend and became an apartment mate.  After I had worked there for a little while, I fucked any cute guy I set my sights on and hunted down. Not one night stands mind you, I had to know them at least a little bit. It became a game. I never spent the night, just wham bam, thank you ma’am. I thought I was controlling things and having a blast. I also spent my time off work partying, drinking. A few times, I drank way too much.

For the rest of my 20’s when I drank, it was socially, and often just a tad too much. I didn’t know how to blow off steam other than drinking, and my work pattern tended to be to work to excess, and the occasionally blow off steam, drinking to excess.

After that winter in the Keys (it was seasonal work), I got whatever it was out of my system that made me act like a whore, and I changed my ways, at least a little bit. My self-esteem was pretty much in the toilet. I only slept with 3 guys the next winter (also did seasonal work in Florida, but not the same area), one was someone I had a genuine crush on, but two were a one-night, big time-lapse of judgment. And one of those lapses of judgment gave me herpes. The gift that keeps giving and never goes away. Yes folks, there are STD’s that are still out there that aren’t as dangerous as AIDS, and they don’t go away.

Let me give you a side bar on what it’s like to get herpes. The first year or two is hell. The outbreaks are so painful that I couldn’t wear underpants/ pants and had to stay home roiling in pain. I guess it’s like shingles, since it’s a similar virus. And for me, after every outbreak, my immune system would have been compromised and I got sick. One time it was tonsillitis, complete with a fever of 104. No fun when need your house mate take you to the ER on a Saturday night, where you wait 3 hours with a fever of 104 to see a doctor, and then take a taxi home.  Later on, when I had a real job and health insurance, my doctor put me on some meds to keep my outbreaks at bay. What a relief. If you, as a woman, have a herpes outbreak when you deliver a baby, the baby can be blinded or brain-damaged, or worse during a vaginal birth.

After those two winters, I pretty much got the whore out of my system. But my self-esteem was quite low, and I didn’t even know it. But the way I handled alcohol showed it. Fortunately for me, becoming an alcoholic wasn’t in the cards for me because when I drank too much I got sick as a dog, feeling poisoned.

As I grew into a more mature adult, I curbed my drinking and I met the man who would become my husband. After meeting him, there would be no other man who turned my head, even though we didn’t marry for six years.

After discovering Energy Healing and working on myself, I have now healed a lot of behaviors and beliefs that used to give me trouble.  I still have a long way to go, but one of the big things I want to deal with in 2014 is anger. I want to move into a place of total and complete forgiveness towards my brother, who raped me. I want to let that all go, so that part of me will be completely peaceful. That is my intention for 2014.