Then and Now

The other day, something I saw took me back to my childhood. I got to thinking about how I used to look at life. When I was little, my brothers and I seemed to always be fighting. I didn’t like it, but didn’t know otherwise. Our parents didn’t have the knowledge or skills to teach us kids to negotiate among each other and to learn how to get along. It never occurred to my mentally ill mother that our oldest brother was a sadistic control freak.

Every night as I fell asleep, I would imagine a knight in shining armor who would ride into my life and carry me off, rescuing me. It wasn’t until my 40’s that I remembered this and put the pieces together. So much of my childhood was blocked in my memory until the past few years. It was a childhood spent in fear, into my early teen years.

As I grew into my teen years, after I had been molested, had given birth to my daughter and teenage hormones kicked in, the anger began to set in. I became angry at my mother for her being verbally abusive and acted like a bitch when she’d attack me. I learned to give back as good as I got. I was angry at my brother, but because that whole incident was kept such a secret, I couldn’t even openly express that anger, so a lot of it was suppressed for several more years.

Another theme that crept in during my young teenage years and eventually plagued me was the belief that I was overweight. This was instilled early in life thanks to my mother always talking about how she needed to lose weight, and with her always being on a diet. And she was not overweight. Her self-image was crap, and she taught me to feel the same way about my body. I remember one time trying to purge after I had eaten a bunch of junk food. Fortunately for me, I was repulsed by this one time, and it never happened again. Because food was always something I loved and even craved, it became my drug of choice. So, craving food and yet believing that I was always overweight and should deny myself that which I craved, made me feel even worse about myself.

As I became an adult, my behavior became a bit like Miley Cyrus, experimenting with control and with my sexuality. At 19 I had my first real love. He wanted to wait to have sex until he was married. I didn’t. I won. We had not been very stringent about using birth control every single time, and I ended up having an abortion. Even though he was lovely and treated me well, there were a few non-negotiable deal breakers that made him not husband material. By age 23 I broke up with him.

The winter after that I worked a job in the Florida keys, cooking on a boat for chicken shit pay.  I didn’t know how to find an affordable place to live, so I fucked one of the guys on the boat repeatedly until I had instilled myself as his girlfriend and became an apartment mate.  After I had worked there for a little while, I fucked any cute guy I set my sights on and hunted down. Not one night stands mind you, I had to know them at least a little bit. It became a game. I never spent the night, just wham bam, thank you ma’am. I thought I was controlling things and having a blast. I also spent my time off work partying, drinking. A few times, I drank way too much.

For the rest of my 20’s when I drank, it was socially, and often just a tad too much. I didn’t know how to blow off steam other than drinking, and my work pattern tended to be to work to excess, and the occasionally blow off steam, drinking to excess.

After that winter in the Keys (it was seasonal work), I got whatever it was out of my system that made me act like a whore, and I changed my ways, at least a little bit. My self-esteem was pretty much in the toilet. I only slept with 3 guys the next winter (also did seasonal work in Florida, but not the same area), one was someone I had a genuine crush on, but two were a one-night, big time-lapse of judgment. And one of those lapses of judgment gave me herpes. The gift that keeps giving and never goes away. Yes folks, there are STD’s that are still out there that aren’t as dangerous as AIDS, and they don’t go away.

Let me give you a side bar on what it’s like to get herpes. The first year or two is hell. The outbreaks are so painful that I couldn’t wear underpants/ pants and had to stay home roiling in pain. I guess it’s like shingles, since it’s a similar virus. And for me, after every outbreak, my immune system would have been compromised and I got sick. One time it was tonsillitis, complete with a fever of 104. No fun when need your house mate take you to the ER on a Saturday night, where you wait 3 hours with a fever of 104 to see a doctor, and then take a taxi home.  Later on, when I had a real job and health insurance, my doctor put me on some meds to keep my outbreaks at bay. What a relief. If you, as a woman, have a herpes outbreak when you deliver a baby, the baby can be blinded or brain-damaged, or worse during a vaginal birth.

After those two winters, I pretty much got the whore out of my system. But my self-esteem was quite low, and I didn’t even know it. But the way I handled alcohol showed it. Fortunately for me, becoming an alcoholic wasn’t in the cards for me because when I drank too much I got sick as a dog, feeling poisoned.

As I grew into a more mature adult, I curbed my drinking and I met the man who would become my husband. After meeting him, there would be no other man who turned my head, even though we didn’t marry for six years.

After discovering Energy Healing and working on myself, I have now healed a lot of behaviors and beliefs that used to give me trouble.  I still have a long way to go, but one of the big things I want to deal with in 2014 is anger. I want to move into a place of total and complete forgiveness towards my brother, who raped me. I want to let that all go, so that part of me will be completely peaceful. That is my intention for 2014.


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