Things in life happen in cycles. But because I have a left hemisphere of my brain, they appear to me to happen in waves. I go through this and then that. And then this comes back for more.
I wake up exhausted for what seems like endless days. My nights are interrupted by life. But then I get a few good nights sleep and feel good again, but not today.
I react (and not in a good way) when I think about my childhood and the past. “Live in the moment” all the gurus say. It would be easy to do if I didn’t have the left hemisphere of my brain.
Then I remind myself of the higher perspective of my life choices. Yes, I chose to be born into this dysfunctional family. I chose to have a mother who was mentally ill. I chose to live under the same roof as a brother who would prey on me and use me as his personal sex toy. I chose to have a father who made a lot of decisions based on fear. And I chose to be an extremely sensitive, christened child of God, who would walk through fire.
I remind myself of how far I’ve come in my healing, and I notice moments in life when I remain calm in the face of a small tornado. I have actually healed quite a bit. But then that wave of feeling good moves through and another wave moves in, wave after wave.
I know that in order to manifest, I need to live in the energy of already manifested, already here. But it’s so hard when my reality, as dictated by my physical body, shows me that certain things I want are not here.
“I’m not patient, Mom!” my son told me one day when I was telling him that he needed to be patient. I’m sure that my spiritual team is telling me to be patient and to keep doing the work, but I’m not feeling very patient these days. Just waiting on another wave to take me to shore.