Monthly Archives: May 2015

How To Create Boundaries When You Have None

A very huge step in healing an abusive childhood, has been learning about personal boundaries, and creating them.

Because of how my life was set up from the beginning, I had no personal boundaries as a child, and even well into adulthood I had few. When as a little child you learn that if you exert your independence in any way, you might metaphorically get your head chopped off, you learn to not trust yourself. You learn that you are not ok, not enough, and that there is something wrong with you. You learn to stay on guard, for fear of being attacked. You keep your defenses up, and because of needing to stay in survival mode, a sense of self, self-worth and self-confidence doesn’t develop.

One of the powerful hypnotherapy sessions I had back in March 2014 that helped create personal boundaries, was one where I examined body image. I’ve had other sessions since this one that have helped strengthen my sense of self-worth and boundaries, but this was the first one that I experienced.

During hypnotherapy sessions with my soul-directed hypnotherapist, after having a short discussion on what I wanted to work on, she would relax me and guide me through a journey.  On this day, I decided to work on body image (which was poor).

Growing up, I didn’t have any women in my life to model healthy body image. My mother was always dissatisfied with her body, always on a diet, feeding me the message that she was overweight and not ok. I took that message into my little body and by the time I was 13, I joined Mom on the dieting bandwagon. For the record, my mother was not overweight, and neither was I, back then.

After putting me into deep relaxation, I was guided to hover above a timeline of my life and go back to a time where I first had an issue with my body (or dieting). I popped back to eight years old. Someone told me I was fat; probably my older brother, teasing me. Feeling sad and confused, I really took it in. Then, I was directed to have my current day adult me go talk to my eight-year-old self. I told my young self that she was absolutely perfect just as she was – she was not fat at all. And, that she had a great, strong body that was just right. When the young me heard that, she became very happy and joyful. She gained confidence and strength. I actually saw her aura pop out from her body, signifying that she developed a sense of self and some personal boundaries. She really felt good about herself.

Then, I was prompted to move forward in time to the next time I didn’t feel so great about my body. I was 13 and had gotten my period and was not sure about all of these changes in my developing body. I was very unsure about my new curves and boobs and period. I didn’t feel confident at all about myself, and was confused with all of the changes. When my older self talked to my 13 year-old self, I reassured her that the changes she was going through were very normal and natural, and that she had a great body that was very pretty, that she was cute, and everything was just as it was supposed to be. I told her that she would get used to her new body and that it was a great body. With the reassurance, I noticed that the 13 year-old me became very grounded and centered. The feeling was that nothing could knock her over. All she needed was reassurance from me. Her confidence soared.

Then, I moved forward to when I was barely 15 and just had my daughter. The 15 year-old felt completely ruined in every way. She felt physically ruined, emotionally ruined, just ruined. I told her that she had been through a tough time and got a bad deal, but that she was awesome and perfect. And, because she was only 15, her body would come back to being a cute teenage body with a little bit of healthy eating and exercise. Yes, she will always have the stretch marks, but that’s OK because she brought a beautiful little girl into the world. A little girl who would make a couple into a family, who would raise her well and that she would be happy. I also reminded her that she did NOTHING wrong. It was NOT her fault. At first, the 15-year-old got really mad, mad at the perpetrator who molested her, because he had ruined her perfect body. She was pissed!! It took a while, but she slowly came around to the idea that her body was great, and that she totally rocked. She was able to see that she did get her cute body back after some healthy eating and exercise and that it was a great, strong body. Finally, she felt awesome about herself.

Then, my hypnotherapist had the energies of the various me’s roll up the timeline and join in with present-day me. I felt the confidence and strength of the other me’s, and it felt more confident than present-day me. As the energy of each me moved forward up the timeline, I received a message from them. First, the eight-year-old, who had been waiting a very long time for her knight in shining armor to come riding in to save her, when all along, she realized, it was the adult me that she was waiting for. She was in tears with gratitude, thanking me for saving her. Then, the thirteen-year-old expressed her thanks to me for coming back and rescuing her as well. More tears. Finally, the fifteen-year-old was filled with love and gratitude that I had finally come back and saved her as well. Her message also included, “What took you so long?” Tears and laughter.

Once the transformed energies of the past merged into present time, I clairvoyantly got the message: “You don’t need food anymore. You have all of the me’s holding you up, keeping you strong.” What a powerful message.

From there, my hypnotherapist reinforced all of the positive, new thoughts and beliefs, rewriting my past and rewiring my brain.

I have learned that with each session, I clear away old, trapped energies. And, in doing so, change happens. It’s a process. Over time, small and even not-so-small shifts begin to add up. These days, I truly appreciate how amazing my body is; all of the things it does for me without my thinking about them. And, that it is designed as a self-healing, divine vessel for my beautiful soul so that I can experience this life I have.

Progress that I’ve seen in myself since this session over a year ago is now living with the knowing that I am amazing. The things I can do with regards to healing and transmuting energy are incredible. I now feel the brilliant light inside me, shining out. Yes, some days are tough, but on the whole, my sense of self is dramatically different.

I know that I am a little spark, an actual piece of the divine I call God. I am a bit that is experiencing contrast, expansion, pain, suffering, joy, happiness, love, sadness, frustration, and so much more because that’s why we are here on earth in a human body. Because I recognize the God in me, I now have pretty healthy boundaries where I value and cherish myself. I take care of myself, recharge my batteries, love myself, value myself, and appreciate myself. Because of this, I am mindful of my energetic self (as much as I can be) and do not give away everything I am and have. It is not loving to give yourself away to where you are drained dry. It is loving to stand by someone in support and just be there for them while they sort their life out (or not). That’s their journey, not yours. The love that we have for ourselves comes first, because if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else. It begins in your heart and emanates outwards to people around you and to the world.

Here’s a quick little exercise to see how you’re doing. Look into a mirror, into your eyes and say, “I deeply and truly love you.” You are talking to yourself, your soul and to God. Did you hear anything in your head? Was there a response from your subconscious? I used to get a clear response. It was, “Bullshit.” Not much love there. When I do that same exercise today, I receive positive responses. What an amazing transformation. And it shows in all aspects of my life; how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, and how I expect to be treated by others. And the process goes on!


Looking At Life From A Different Perspective

Over the past 4 years, I’ve learned to look at life from a different perspective. This is what “waking up” spiritually has done for me. I first learned about perspective in college during the first sociology class I ever took, when I was taught to look at a scene and glean two different judgments from it. The scene is being apart from your loved one for a while. One perspective is, “out of sight, out of mind.” The other is, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Several years ago, before I even woke up, I had a handful of experiences during hypnotherapy sessions that blew my mind at the time. These experiences were not suggested to me while in hypnosis, and I wasn’t prompted or influenced to have them. They spontaneously happened. And they were all metaphysical.

Billy Fingers shift in perspective

One of these experiences involved my seeing myself and a spiritual guide talking about and reviewing the life I was about to enter into. They talked about a challenge that I wanted to work on during this lifetime, and I knew in a flash that we plan to work on lessons or challenges during our lives, in order for us to grow. I also knew that we have guides in spirit that are always available to us. The last thing I remember vividly was the knowing that when I die, there is no external God that sits in judgment of us and our life. We review the life we just lived and decide where we could have done better, perhaps planning to repeat a lesson that we didn’t master.

Billy Fingers you are a soul

Working with people who have easy access to the spiritual realm, has helped me to find some answers about my particular life’s challenges. During one psychic reading and healing session, I learned that my older brother and I spent a lifetime together where we set things up so that he would dominate me sexually and have power over me. The goal was for me to be able to move past the hurt and pain. Unfortunately, in that lifetime, between the parameters that were set up, and free will decisions that were made along the way, I did not get past any of the hurt or pain, and ended up taking my life. The healing session helped bring back some bits of me that had been lost along the way.

Billy Fingers do the dance together

Since having this experience and more, I have come across books, videos, websites and more, that speak to the idea of our planning our life before we are born. Our soul has a deep desire to grow and to expand by having a variety of experiences. To accomplish this growth, our soul may decide to enter a human body on planet earth. There are actually other options, but this is one of the most challenging, giving our soul the potential for a lot of growth. So that we have the best chance of succeeding in our mission of living this lifetime, a veil of forgetfulness is brought down into our brain, erasing the memory our other lifetimes and our life in spirit between lifetimes. We also forget that we have direct connection to the source that created us all; that which I call God.

There are some people, however, who haven’t lost these memories or connection to this spirit world. I have met many, and even a few who remember their lives back to when they originally split off from God, being created into a seemingly separate soul. I’ve also learned that it is possible to reach or connect to this other world a number of ways. Meditation is one way. And my current favorite is using hypnotherapy.

Billy Fingers you are magnificent can be painful

Since learning that we actually participate in planning our lives, I now know that we create agreements and contracts with other souls, in order to work out karmic balancing, and for us to expand by having a variety of life experiences. We set up relationships like who our family members will be, potential spouses, friends and other people in our lives who will become our teachers. We also set up the potential to create things in our life; like accidents, injury, or serious illness. We pick our sex, sexual orientation, our nationality, color, creed, whether our body will be born healthy or not, if we will have a handicap, or will be on the autism spectrum.

With a goal of growth and expansion, we set up things in our life to bring on pain. After all, pain is one of the biggest motivators for change. Terri Daniel speaks beautifully about pain and forgiveness in this short video. She learned that her life’s plan of being a mother and then losing her son was designed to give her the best shot of becoming a minister and intuitive counselor who assists dying and grieving individuals to discover a more spiritually spacious understanding of death and beyond. The healing work she does today is incredible. I’ve recently been watching several videos online and plan to buy at least one of her books.

An author and hypnotherapist I recently discovered, who has written about our souls plans, what they are, why they are, and more, is Robert Schwartz. His work is excellent.

One of the earlier books I discovered that talks about soul families and soul’s plans, is Journey of Souls, by Dr. Michael Newton.  I’m linking to his book on his website in case anyone wants to explore his website further.

A blog that I read regularly and love, is called Ask The Council. It is written by a man, Bob, and his wife, Cynthia. Cynthia has the ability to channel a group in spirit, who call themselves The Council. People write questions on the blog, and they are answered by The Council. Here is one of their posts that speaks to agreements made between souls before entering into a life. It talks about the highly charged issue of abortion.

Billy Fingers life is learning experience

The last author I’m going to introduce you to today is Annie Kagan. After her heroin addicted, alcoholic brother suddenly died, Annie was grief-stricken. A few weeks later, he came to her. Once he convinced her she wasn’t going crazy, and she wasn’t making it up, Annie began communicating with her dead brother. The wisdom he shared about life and death in Annie’s book, The Afterlife of Billy Fingers, brought tremendous amounts of peace to my heart. And it confirmed a few things I’d learned about what happens when we die, that I discovered in my own hypnotherapy sessions: like, there being no judgmental, damning God appearing at the pearly gates. The Facebook Page for The Afterlife of Billy Fingers is one of my favorites for inspirational quotes (from the book).

Billy Fingers earth is a game

So what’s the big deal about being able to see life through the lens of different perspectives? It has helped me to literally shift energy, to move out what I see as old, stuck, crap that I’ve kept with me for a lifetime. When I’m able to loosen my grip on old hurts, old pain, old anger, it can finally move out of my body and my energy field. What’s the result of that? Healing of physical and emotional hurts and diseases. And who wouldn’t want to feel better?

Billy Fingers you forget your magificence

That said, please know that my way is not the only way to feel better and to heal. It’s the path that I’ve found and followed, and seems to be working for me. There are as many paths and ways to heal as there are people on the planet. To find your path, listen to and follow your heart. It will never steer you wrong.

Billy Fingers other dimensions

The Minefield of Mother’s Day

So here it is: Mother’s Day. No one in my house has wished me a happy Mother’s Day. No one even remembers it’s Mother’s Day. As much as I love my husband, he doesn’t remember days like this without big reminders. I’m feeling like it’s not my job to remind him today. And my son is pretty oblivious to anything today but his own needs.

You see, the commercial Mother’s Day is filled with images of a loving and doting mother who cherishes her children. They show her being put together, able to handle anything thrown her way, and having children who are wired “normally.” They show image of happy families honoring their matriarch; the mother and grandmother.

What they don’t show are all the mothers out there who are damaged. The mothers who were abused, who are emotionally unstable, or who are mentally ill. Both my (now deceased) mother and I fit into this latter category. My mother was both emotionally damaged by her mother, and was mentally ill: bipolar. Her mental illness wasn’t medicated until she became so manic that she completely lost touch with reality and was put into a mental hospital. By this time I was in 10th or 11th grade. The damage had been done. Her psychiatrist, who was later sued in a class action lawsuit, knew she was bipolar, but thought he could psychoanalyze it out of her. He would also string along clients in an effort to drain more money from their pocketbooks. He should be shot.

I grew up in a household where I was not emotionally supported, loved, and cherished. I was verbally assaulted when my mother was manic, slicing me with her words, and abandoned by her when she was depressed. I was not the only one affected by my mother. My older brother was also damaged by our mother. His damage left him feeling powerless. He came into the world with less than stellar wiring in his head, so his damage not only left him feeling powerless, it let him think that inappropriate sexual touch was how to show love. His moral compass developed with a major deviation. Mom was sexually inappropriate with him on more than one occasion. It affected him deeply and he doesn’t even know it.

As far as I can tell, my younger brother seems to have made it out without too much damage. Thank God.

Growing up with my older brother, there was a relationship dynamic of controller/ controlee, predator/ prey. He dominated me emotionally and physically. When we were little, he figured out that his little sister would do what he wanted, because she sought validation. She didn’t get it from her mother, and she hoped her older brother would be that for her. Instead, I let myself be controlled by him, doing things that, in my gut felt wrong, but I so desperately needed the validation. He relished the feeling of control. It made him feel powerful and ok within himself. The moral compass that holds most people back, had deviated enough that he could neither feel nor hear it’s messages.

Eventually, when my brother’s hormones raged, he came to me to both control and to satisfy his urges. Maybe there was a part of him that thought it was loving as well. All I know is he violated me, he controlled me by making me believe that if I told anyone, I would get in trouble. Me. He molested me, raped me, and eventually impregnated me. After the big secret came out, the wall of even bigger shame and secrecy fell. Bigger that the great wall of China.

My being pregnant was a horrible shame on the family. I had shamed the family for being pregnant. This secret must never come out. My father was terrified that if it came out, he would lose all business and we would end up ostracized, homeless, and living on the street. Of course, that never would have happened. But that’s the way my father reacted. He swore us all to secrecy.

My mother went along. We all went along. How was my being molested handled? Poorly. So, on top of being ashamed that I let my brother control, dominate and rape me, I was now ashamed that I was pregnant and had shamed my entire family. How fucked up is that?

It just so happens that I was able to hide my pregnancy until the end of the school year (freshman year of high school), when I entered a home for unwed mothers. Lies were created so people thought I went off to summer camp for the whole summer. I delivered my daughter 2 weeks into the school year, took a week to recover, and returned home and to school, as if nothing had happened (other than another lie of my coming down with an illness at the end of camp, keeping me away from home for a few more weeks). So, no one found out about our shameful, dirty secret, which I was now integrally a part of. Six weeks later, I signed away all rights to my daughter, giving her up for adoption.

With the healing work I’ve been doing recently, memories of old wounding are coming up. My mind was a champ at blocking out years of bad memories, but it’s safe for them to resurface and be healed. Because of that, thinking about Mother’s Day today is extremely emotionally charged for me. I didn’t know my grandmothers, and I didn’t have a close relationship with either of my 2 aunts. There is no matriarch in my family for me to look up to with memories of being cherished by them.

Even my own experience of being a mother has included depression and personal struggle while raising a special needs child with his own daily issues. It has been a long and difficult road.

So, today is Mother’s Day. If I see one more thing on Facebook about how wonderful someone’s mother is, or how much someone is missing their dead mother, I think I’m going to scream. I’m glad their mother is or was a saint. They need to know that there are plenty of mothers out there who were or are nightmares, or who are struggling to not be a nightmare themselves.

Stepping Outside of His Dream Bubble

Last fall (2014), I decided to take a walk on the wild side and investigate shamanic healing. I’ve used a variety of healing modalities and one consciousness technology, to facilitate shifts in myself so I feel better about life, but I’d never used a shamanic practitioner.

It turns out the acupuncturist who works at my doctor’s (naturopath) office is not only trained in Acupuncture and Chinese medicine, but also has trained as a shamanic practitioner (she corrected me when I called her a shaman). I arranged a healing session with her, and what we decided to do is called a Soul Retrieval Ceremony.

The premise is that as you go through life and are wounded, little bits of you or your soul become split off from the rest of you. When this happens, it affects you to your core. And what it does to a person is extremely varied. A Soul Retrieval Ceremony brings these pieces of your soul back to you, allowing you to be whole again. For anyone who as suffered from PTSD, I highly recommend this type of healing work. Even though I was never formally diagnosed with PTSD, I know I suffered from it. I once watched a show on TV where a soldier who returned from the Middle East was suffering deeply with PTSD. He was Native American and had a local Shaman perform a Soul Retrieval Ceremony with him. It helped him immeasurably.

During the ceremony itself, my shamanic practitioner had me lie on the floor, and stay present of mind. She did all of the “work.” She had a man drumming a beat for her, and she worked with tools like a rattle, a hawk’s wing, and some crystals. Before hand, we had talked about things I wanted to improve and things that were bothering me about my life, my relationship with my abusive brother being right up front. My brother and I were still working out estate issues from both of our parents’ estates at the time (they died within 10 months of each other), and being forced to deal with him was bringing up a lot of old anger and frustration in me.

Just to be clear about my brother, since we’ve grown up, are out on our own, and have families, he has never been sexually abusive to anyone else that I know of. He would never lay a hand on his daughter, for example. He and I have never had a close brother/ sister relationship and we never will. But we are generally cordial to one another. I don’t know exactly why his brain wiring let him think it was ok to repeatedly fuck his sister when he was a horny teenager (even when I told him not to), or why he felt he needed to dominate me as we were growing up, and I’m sure he has no clue. Although I believe it has to do with his feeling powerless and discovering that he could feel powerful by dominating me and taking my power. I’ve had more than one intuitive friend tell me that our mother (when she was manic) was sexually inappropriate (touching him inappropriately) with my brother when he was very little. I’m sure he doesn’t remember this.

With estate business forcing us to have to communicate and be in contact, it became clear to me that this was the time to work on my feelings about this relationship. Having to do business with my brother was painful and trying, and I’ve learned enough to know that there is nothing I can do to change him, so it’s me that needed to do the work in order for me to feel better.

During the Soul Retrieval Ceremony, pieces of my soul were returned to me. And a biggie for me was when I was told that I stepped outside of my brother’s dream bubble. In native tradition, the waking life that we all see as our very real life, is considered a dream. They consider the spirit world to be the real world.

I see a dream bubble as the soul contract my brother and I wrote before we incarnated for this lifetime. At the end of the ceremony, my soul basically said I’m done with this contract of my being dominated by my brother. I’m releasing whatever agreement we made, and I’m finished with it.

It took several weeks to fully integrate the new energy into my body and spirit, but what I’ve noticed here in my waking world, is that I am much less reactive towards my brother. He tends to be much slower of mind than I am, is not adept at decision-making or seeing below the surface of situations. I tend to think very quickly, process several things at the same time, and view people and situations from several angles and levels at the same time. Trying to get things done with this brother can feel like driving a four-cylinder car with two cylinders not firing, when I’m used to a smoothly running V-8. This can set me off, but not so much these days. And I’ve noticed that he’s been a little bit more communicative, more willing to talk about family business things, than before. I spent decades, literally, being angry, and I know that it only hurt me.

This process of cutting energetic ties between us allows me to have more peace in my heart. It allows me to stand more solidly on my two feet, and at a soul level helps my brother as well. I learned that before I was born, he and I created a soul agreement to do this dance, with the goal for me of being able to rise above, heal, and in doing so, create big expansion for my soul’s growth. If you want to learn more about soul agreements, I highly recommend the work of Robert Schwartz ( I actually discovered this soul agreement stuff years back, but just discovered Robert Schwartz’s books recently. His information is in complete agreement from what I’ve learned from personal experience.

More importantly than this soul level stuff (at least for me in there here and now), I feel better about myself and my life.