Monthly Archives: June 2015

My Inner Tantrum: Secrets

As much as I’ve done a butt ton of healing around being controlled and molested by an older brother when we were young, there are still days when the Little Me inside is kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum.

She’s still hurting and is angry that her big brother, the one who was supposed to be her protector, was her violator. He let her down. He disappointed her. And worse than that, he hurt her, badly. She wants nothing more than to hurt him back. To tell his wife that he’s not who she thinks he is. Not that he’s some evil child molester, because he’s not. But that the reason these two siblings don’t have a close, loving relationship is not for nothing. There is a very real reason behind it that she has no idea of. Little Me wants this woman to know, to have a little revenge, but I don’t want to rock her world; because it totally would. Well, sometimes I do, just a little.

Why should he get to walk away scot-free, like nothing happened, when my body got trashed? I had to go through a full pregnancy, 25 hours of labor (back labor really, really sucks), only to have my vagina cut so some doctor I didn’t know could pull my baby out of me with forceps. Episiotomies suck. And then I had to go through hormonal hell and milk coming into breasts that were too young; milk that just stayed there and caused pain while I left my baby behind when I left the hospital. When all my body wanted was to bond with my baby and to nurse, and I had to deny it. I had to deny that I even had a baby just a few day later.

Why did I have to keep a toxic secret that I didn’t create or cause? Why did I have to suffer all those years? Why did I have to wear a mantle of shame, while my brother could act like nothing happened? His body wasn’t ravaged. He wasn’t dragged through hormone hell. He didn’t have to sign away rights to a baby that lived inside his body for 9 months. He just walked away like nothing happened.

Damned right I get mad sometimes.

More and more, Young Me is understanding what happened and why. She’s seeing the bigger picture of why it all happened. In her (my) head, there is the understanding of soul agreements; agreements between me and my older brother’s soul, that were made before we incarnated. Agreements to create a dynamic between us, for me to learn, to experience contrast and to expand my soul by having experiences.

As I understand that my brother was born with what I call wonky wiring in his head, and that he experienced inappropriate sexual touch at a very young age, setting him up for some twisted morals, it makes what he did to me a little bit understandable. But I judge him and his behavior from the morals in my head, my morals. And my morality tells me that it is not ok to exert control over another person when it causes them emotional pain or discomfort, especially when it’s your little sister. That’s what a bully does. My morals tell me it’s not ok to fuck your sister, to rape your sister and especially not ok to keep doing it against her will.

I now see that for some reason, a piece of me is still stuck. I don’t know if I’m stuck in time, stuck in resonance with a certain energetic pattern, or what. That bit of me is unable or unwilling to leave the past in the past. It’s actually odd when you think about it. I was violated years ago. My body has physically healed from being pregnant (as much as it can). And I am not currently being violated. I keep bringing the past into the present and reinjuring or re-wounding myself. I am doing it. My brother isn’t doing it. He’s hundreds of miles away. So what’s going on?

I’m not a scientist, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a neurologist, so I can’t explain why we let old thoughts keep popping up in this way. But I have learned from personal experience that using alternative methods of healing, I can reduce the energetic “dance” between us. And when the energetic entanglement isn’t so tangled or engaged, the emotional upset and irritation is much lessened. I’ve read about cords of attachment, and see them like rubber bands between two people. They are actually connected energetically. When there are a lot of strong feelings between two people, this energetic cord is visualized as being very large, or thick. And when there is great love or hate, I see the cord as vibrating with the emotion.

As I have worked on myself with the intent of disengaging from this energetic entanglement or cord, I see the connection between my brother and myself as getting smaller. The cord is thinning and weakening. As this happens, I am becoming much less reactive to my brother, and he to me. I’ve come a very long way, and look forward to the day when this cord is 100% disconnected. I’ll know when it has happened when I can think of my brother and our childhood, and there is no emotional charge left. I have a feeling that when I get to that place, the one thing that is now forcing us to have to speak with each other, will change, and I won’t have to deal with him at all. My lesson will be learned.

Each time I speak with my brother, I notice that I am less and less irritated, angered, or bothered by having to communicate with him. In fact, very recently, our conversations are pretty comfortable. This shows me very clearly that the energetic entanglement between us is thinning, is dissolving. With this decrease, I can view him more objectively, with less and less reactivity. I can see him for who he truly is, a lost soul with control issues.

He has become so disconnected from his spirit that he thinks he has little control over his life. Because of it, the one thing he constantly seeks is control; control over others. And that is beyond sad.

Here’s to my being a work in progress. May my progress in this area bring me more and more peace. After all, that’s really what we all want, isn’t it? Peace in our heart.