Author Archives: persephone2013

About persephone2013

I am sharing my story about healing from childhood abuse to hopefully serve as inspiration to others. I am a wife and a mother, a birth mother to a daughter I gave up, and a survivor of childhood sexual and verbal abuse.

Transitioning To a New Blog

Dear Readers,

I created Persephone’s Epiphany almost exactly 3 years ago, during a time when I was processing the trauma from my youth, and was still holding onto a lot of anger about having been verbally and sexually abused as a child. Over the past two years, I’ve healed a lot of pain and anger that I’d been carrying around. I’ve also gained more understanding about my journey, including my childhood, and feel the time is right to transition this blog over to a new one I started up just a few days ago (April 2016).

Because my healing journey was jet propelled by my spiritual awakening in March of 2011, the new blog is all about my healing through the lens of my spirituality, and making it through life’s tougher times as best as I can. I don’t know if I’ll ever be done with processing my childhood, but I’ve come a long way in a short time. Many people find healing through a higher power and through their religion or church. I have been finding it through a spiritual perspective and using various forms of Energy Healing.

Thank you so much for the support and camaraderie, even when my posting slowed to a trickle.

I’d love to have you follow me over to Remembering My Divinity, my new site. Where in healing I’m learning that life is about the partnership between being human and remembering that we are all spiritual beings. It’s about walking around in our physical bodies while making choices and creating through our hearts. And it’s about the experience of it all.

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Understanding Why I Was Molested: A Spiritual Perspective

As a girl, I was molested by my older brother. Over the course of about two years, he would regularly molest me at night in my bedroom, and continued to do so until I became pregnant at fourteen years old. Less than a week past my fifteenth birthday, I gave birth to a baby girl, whom I gave up for adoption.

About six years ago, I learned that we, as souls, plan experiences to have during our lifetimes, with the goal of soul growth and expansion. What that means is, we want to go through challenging times, experience fear, anger, mistrust, frustration, hate, loathing, sadness, disconnection, despair, and pain, with the express purpose of finding ways to turn things around. We want to experience the exhilaration of moving from anger into happiness, from sadness into joy, and from mistrust into trust. And the deeper the pain, the more expansive it is when we can move into comfort and joy. Our soul expands and grows in this way.

A quick and easy analogy would be to think of the internal discomfort you feel when you have gas and need to burp or fart, and the relief you feel upon the expulsion of the gas.

A little bit deeper analogy for soul expansion is to think back to a time when you had an intense physical pain, like a migraine headache, or a stomach flu. Remember how excruciating it was to have your head throb, with the slightest bit of light, sound or movement aggravating it? Remember the feeling of a knife jabbing into your stomach during a stomach flu, or the discomfort right before you vomited? Now think back to when your headache was finally completely resolved, and there was no more pain or even shadows of pain. And remember after your stomach flu was finally over, when you were able to eat whatever you desired again. Remember the sweet relief, the uplifting happiness, and the renewed energy you felt?

An example of soul growth is when a person who grew up with judgment around something, like a person’s race, making them racist, is able to change their beliefs. Often it takes having an experience to show a person that their belief is no longer true for them. In that realization, judgment can be instantaneously dropped, and the soul expands.

Being able to sit in a place of forgiveness; to completely let go the negative pieces and parts of a horrible experience, to no longer be attached to the memories in any painful way, to have moved into a place of peace in your heart about an experience, is one of the sweetest things a soul desires to experience.

Our souls want to experience growth in a physical body in ways they cannot grow as only spirit and light.

The myriad of experiences we can have while were in a physical body is limitless. We start creating challenges by taking on a veil of forgetting, as we are born. We forget that we are actually divine spirits, bits of our source energy, created in order to create and experience. We don’t realize that things like judgment and misbeliefs are human creations.

As we plan our human incarnation (I specified human because our spirits have had many incarnations as things and beings other than human), we take advantage of our being in a human body and all of its primal desires to survive. The biggie is fear of death. What a motivator! Another is fear of pain. That most definitely creates change.

Our souls want to experience physical pleasures like eating, listening to music, touching something soft, seeing beautiful nature, smelling flowers and foods. We want to experience physical sensations that cause a range of emotions, from pain all the way through to pleasure.

Some of the challenges we, as souls, want to experience for the purposes of growth are physical deficit or deformity: being blind, deaf, or missing a limb or organ. We want to experience chronic illness and disease, from allergies all the way through having ALS, cancer, diabetes, and Crone’s disease. We want to experience emotional challenges such as feeling separation from source energy, or from the divine. We want to experience addiction in its many forms. We want to experience lack of self-love. We want to experience shame in its many facets.

Just after this past Christmas, I was thinking a lot about the soul planning and lessons I might have set up for myself. And with that in mind, and wanting to let go of more anger towards my older brother (it’s a process), I asked an intuitive for help. The woman who I sought out has the ability to channel wisdom through a group of beings in spirit. I asked her to see what was in my life planning that ended up giving me the experience of molestation and pregnancy. I wanted to know what lesson I had set up for myself to grow from.

We humans, with our need to judge others and ourselves, create the perfect petri dish for breeding shame and lack of self-love. Because of this, my soul decided this time around to go for some big-time challenges. I’ve had lifetimes of happiness with the soul who is now my older brother. And we decided to shake things up this time around and give me an opportunity to experience the very human emotion of shame. And not just a little shame, but to set my life up so I would experience a LOT of shame.

I was told that in planning my life, I didn’t set the specifics to be molested and to become pregnant, but my brother and I made an agreement that he would do things that would contribute to my feeling very deep shame. And in doing so, he, as a soul, out of his love for me, would put himself in the place of being hated, and distrusted. He would put himself in the place of deeply hurting his little sister who looked up to him. As a soul, I can imagine that this must have been tough for him to agree to. But I can also imagine his faith in me, that I could turn this around and truly grow from it.

I now see more of the dynamics at play, how I was set up to be able to be molested, how my mother and my brother were able to work in concert, one making it so I had no personal boundaries, no love of self or sense of self-power, and the other taking advantage of this, swooping in to birth the shame.

Things that contributed to my feeling intense shame were, the belief that I should have been able to stop my brother from molesting me, while at the same time being scared to death of getting in trouble, the cultural climate (severe judgment) around being a fourteen year old single pregnant girl in the late seventies, and secrecy that was created by my father out of his own fears.

If there was no fear on my part that I would get in trouble/ stir up a hornets nest if I told what was going on when my brother started molesting me, the molestation would have ended quickly. If there was absolutely no judgment around a teen pregnancy or one caused by incest, the pregnancy would have either been terminated (because I wouldn’t have hidden it), or I would have openly had my daughter. I might have raised my daughter with my parents help. Or I might have placed her for adoption with an open adoption. Without all the judgment, fear wouldn’t have been created, and intense and deeply held shame wouldn’t have been created.

Much of the healing work I’ve done has been around creating personal boundaries, taking back my power that I gave away along the way, and learning how to change deeply held beliefs that were created when I was little, just trying to survive; beliefs that no longer serve me. I now see that some of the biggest challenges I set up for myself were to remember my divinity, and to re-own self-love. These things are always here, always with us. We just need to find a way to get back to them, to remember and re-experience them.

For me, the quickest way to feel better is to drop all judgment and know that I am a spark of source energy, manifested into this miraculous thing called a human female body. The journey to feeling better and to forgiveness has been a long one, and I’m making tremendous progress. Here’s to a future of more and more peace.

Life Is An Accordion

Breathe. Just breathe.
A few more hours. Just a few more.
Phew, dinner is done. Now I can rest.
Bed. My savior.
And yet the sleep is beyond restless.
I wake exhausted.
I feel like shit.
I don’t feel well
about life or about anything.
Isn’t there a pill or something
that will take away this awful feeling?
Isn’t there something I can do to feel normal again?
Will I ever feel normal again?
This really sucks.

Hang on. Have faith.

The sun does come out again.
The birds begin to chirp and sing.
The brain awakens feeling pretty good
for a change.
Life’s not so bad after all.
I actually do have energy to make it through my day.
I can do this.
My smile comes from my heart this time.

Life squeezes me.
Then it lets me breathe.
It squeezes again.
And once again I can breathe.

Today I’m struggling to breathe.
But I know it won’t be forever.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

September 15, 1979 at 1:17am, my baby girl was born. After 25 hours of labor, she was pulled into the world with a pair of forceps. Back then, hospitals didn’t kick you out the door 24 hours after giving birth, so I spent 3 days with my girl before leaving without her.

At the time, I had been a resident at a home for unwed mothers. Back in the late 70’s being a pregnant teenager was a disgrace. Being single and pregnant was a disgrace. Being a very young, pregnant teenager who was impregnated by molestation was the most disgraceful thing to be.

During those 3 days at the hospital, I got to hold my baby and to bottle feed her. Being just six days past my 15th birthday, the whole thing was quite surreal. Because I never entertained the notion that I could actually bring my baby home and keep her, I didn’t bond with her particularly. And being so young, I was very clueless in general. But I loved her nevertheless.

Initially after her birth, I was placed in a room with 3 other mothers whose new babies spent a lot of time with them. When the mothers needed to sleep, the babies were taken back to the nursery, where nurses looked after them.

I remember sitting, eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast one day, talking with one of the other girls from the home for unwed mothers that had delivered a day after I had. Something she said brought me to tears. I bawled at the thought of leaving my daughter. When I couldn’t stop crying, a nurse came in and asked me what was wrong. She figured out that I would be better off in a single room. Why no one thought of this in the first place baffles me.

I can still remember the day I walked out that hospital without my daughter. It was a cool fall day, with dry air after a very hot, humid summer. The sky was deep blue. Such a juxtaposition between the physically comfortable weather (and not having a baby sitting on my bladder and pushing up into my lungs), and the pain in my heart. Six weeks later I got to visit briefly with my daughter before signing away my rights to her.

The irony is, 23 years later when I walked out of a hospital without my son, it was oddly familiar and didn’t seem weird. But this time, he was in another hospital, needing to grow and mature for a few weeks before I brought him home.

Happy 36th Birthday baby girl. I love you.

Healing From (Food) Addiction

About 16 months ago, my doctor diagnosed me with Type 2 Diabetes. After a lifetime of using food to quiet my internal cravings, my body had ballooned to over 300 lbs. and my systems that should handle turning sugar into energy and using insulin properly, were out of whack. Sugar stayed in my blood, giving me high blood sugar.

The few months before this diagnosis, I was working on healing by having sessions with a local soul-directed hypnotherapist. During one of my sessions, I looked at why I used to food as my drug of choice. First thing, my hypnotherapist went through the induction phase of the session, getting me to relax. The goal of this part of a session is to quiet the conscious mind so things that are sitting quietly in the unconscious can be allowed to come up and speak.

While deeply relaxed in hypnosis, I was directed to tune into a feeling of unease and discomfort that I feel from time to time, that I’ve been using food to quiet. I thought about that feeling and what came was the feeling that everything is too quiet and calm; that my mother will lash out at me at any moment, without warning. I feel jumpy. She’ll take out her anger and craziness on me with her vicious tongue, again. I am four years old.

I was instructed to go back in time to the first time I felt this same way. I am two years old. My mother is yelling at me. Her energy is so big it cuts right through me, causing my solar plexus and gut to tighten into a ball. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and disappear. I realized that my body is extremely sensitive to energy. I can feel people’s emotions wafting off their body. My sensors are my solar plexus and my gut.

In a flash I recognized that when I am eating is about the only time that my tummy doesn’t overload on sensing other people, because it’s busy digesting food. This time that I am dining is a respite and a break for my tummy antenna. Food is my friend. It helps keep me sane.

My hypnotherapist had the adult me come into the scene with each of my younger selves.  Adult me talked to each of the younger selves and shared her wisdom with each of them. Both times the wisdom is the same: that your mother is mentally ill and that when she yells at you it is not because of anything you have done. You are not bad. It’s not about you. She is not entirely in control of her emotions and uses you as her verbal battering ram. You are a perfect, beautiful little girl. There is nothing wrong with you. You are an exquisitely sensitive and very smart girl. Then adult me gave little me a big hug.

After receiving hugs, love, and wisdom, each of the younger versions of me instantly became happy and light. The two-year old danced around and the four-year old was happy and instantly wanted to go play with her dolls.

Then we moved forward to when I was twelve. I was molested by my older brother. After sharing my adult wisdom with my twelve-year-old self, instead of being all happy-go-lucky like the young ones, this time I was totally pissed off and felt completely ripped off; like life fucked me over in the drive-thru.

During that time in my life, I could barely even be angry because of all of the dysfunction going on around me and because I had absolutely no personal boundaries. To be able to bring up this anger and let it out was a very big deal and a positive step forward.

Using hypnosis, I was able to go back in time to the very first instance I used food to quiet emotional pain, and healed what was going on. Using my adult perspective, I enlightened that young part of me that was essentially cut off and stuck in time. I’ve learned that when I have a behavior that pops up when I don’t want it to, when it becomes “triggered,” what’s going on is a subconscious belief that was most likely formed when I was very, very young is acting out; it is still active. Especially when people experience trauma when they are young, this sort of therapy is extremely effective and efficient. No spending months and months of talk therapy trying to dig up things deeply buried in the subconscious.

This session played a huge part in my being able to easily change my eating habits with my diabetes diagnosis. I dramatically shifted how I ate with ease and grace I never could have imagined even six months prior. I have spent a lifetime craving bread, pasta, and sugar in particular, and all of that has changed in a very big way. In the past year I have eaten very little bread or pasta, and just a modest amount of sugar. I lost almost 75 lbs. and have kept off over 65 lbs. to date. (I backslid a little bit this past school year because of extreme stress around my son and his emotional difficulties).

And along with change of diet, I had a powerfully healing hypnotherapy session around diabetes. My blood sugar now is no longer considered diabetic (or even prediabetic). It is 100% normal! My fasting blood sugar, A1C (a 3 month average of blood sugar) and insulin levels are all normal. Even with weight loss and a change of eating, I firmly believe that unless the underlying cause for an illness such as diabetes is healed, a person’s body will continue to struggle with whatever the issue is.

To keep things open and honest, I still struggle a little bit with food once in a while, but not even close to what I used to live with every single day. Bread, pasta and sugar were my foods of choice for binging. Today I rarely eat bread or pasta at all, even on my worst days. I know that the hypnotherapy session I shared with you here was one gigantic step in my healing. Another gigantic step was having a session around creating personal boundaries. I’m still a work in progress, and I’ve made huge progress to date.

Creating a Healing Miracle

Just over 20 years ago, I experienced my first bout of heartburn. It was a time of intense stress. Over the next few years, it became chronic, necessitating taking antacids and acid blockers pretty regularly. After about a decade or so, heartburn developed into full-blown acid reflux (when stomach contents breach the sphincter muscle at the top of the stomach and go up into the throat). And after downing bottles of antacids, I started taking omeprazole, an acid blocker, on a daily basis. I stopped taking it a few times and every time I did, the reflux returned with a vengeance, waking me in the middle of the night, gagging on my stomach contents, with my sinuses burning from stomach acid.

Five years ago, I saw a gastroenterologist who scoped my throat and stomach, to make sure I wasn’t developing precancerous cells in my esophagus or any stomach issues. Other than an irritated stomach lining, everything was ok, and I was told that I could take omeprazole every day, for as long as I needed it (potentially, for the rest of my life). I’d been using it for a few years then. At that moment, I knew that I would take the medicine to control the problem until I could find a way to heal it.

Two months ago, I finally found a way to heal it and get off the meds. I had a hypnotherapy session about it with my wonderful soul directed hypnotherapist.

After going through the induction phase of the hypnotherapy session to get my monkey-brain quieted down, I was relaxed and focused. As we began, I was directed to picture a ball of light over my head; energetic light that was intelligent and healing. The light shined down onto me, bathing me with the energies.

Next, I was directed to ask a guide to come forward to assist me on my journey. This time one of my healing guides, John The Baptist, stepped forth. His attitude was “let’s get this show on the road! Let’s kick some butt! Let’s go do this thing!” John and I were directed to go to the part of the body that we needed to go to. It wasn’t specified how to get there, so it took a few minutes to figure out whether we were going to walk there or to get in some sort of vehicle. Finally I decided we’d hop into a space shuttle type of flying craft. When it came time to go, I couldn’t seem to make us leave. The more I tried, the more we just didn’t go. I tried asking myself a few questions to help get the ball rolling, but I soon realized that resistance had come up. So, I said that for some reason, I was resisting this process.

I was directed to look at the resistance to see if I could figure out what it was about. Then I saw a young, little me who was afraid. She said that if she was ok then no one would rescue her, and she felt that she needed to be rescued. As she was letting her feelings out, she stepped out from what felt like a cave of darkness, but it also felt like a dark closet. All I know for sure is that she had been trapped in darkness. As soon as she was out of the dark, she felt like the sun was shining on her and she opened out her arms to soak up the warmth and light.

Once that happened, several other little ones opened their closet doors and one by one came out of their darkness into the light. All they needed was to be allowed to come out of the darkness, back into the light; having that permission, they began to come out. More and more of them started coming out. Then more “knowing” popped into my mind: when I was very little and my mentally ill mother would verbally assault me, a tiny piece of me would go into darkness. It would go into a dark closet and shut the door.

The scene shifted and I saw a knife that would plunge into my chest at these times of assault, filling my stomach with knife wounds. As this healing was happening, the little bits of me were coming out of darkness (out of their closets) and into the light again.

Then I saw each one of them go to their wound in my stomach – the wound they correlated to – and kneel down, putting their hands on it. Sending healing energy of love, they each healed their wound. I saw the inside of my stomach with all these little bits of me on hands and knees, healing with their hands, sending love.

As more and more of these little ones came out of their dark spaces, I encouraged them, calling for every one of them to come out and rejoin me. I didn’t want even one to be left behind. As that process was well under way, I started to progress in age. Pretty soon I was looking more like a grown up, in my early twenties. I encouraged all of the bits of me that had been in the dark to come out, and they did, and they healed their wounds in my stomach as well. Then I knew that it was a rolling, moving, evolving healing where I aged, and the pieces of me that were split off in darkness rejoined the light and came back to me, healing my stomach in the process. After a while I reached my current age of 50.

Then I called out (like at the end of a game of hide and seek when you want to collect everyone back) olly olly oxen free! Everyone come back – especially you little ones. Everyone out of the dark! I got the message that this healing of my stomach is a process, but it won’t take very long.

Then the party music came in and I saw my stomach as vibrant and happy. I heard conga music and my stomach was pulsing with the music; as close to dancing as it could get. It felt very strong and confident, with the knowledge that it was functioning as it was supposed to be with everything just fine. All systems and processes were perfect again. The happiness it felt was not giddy, bubbly, silly, but rather a calm, confident and very strong one. Very grounded feeling.

I looked over at John the Baptist and he was beaming at me, telling me I was awesome, had done great, that I’m amazing, and the like. I felt that yes, I’m amazing (as we all are). I then saw beams of light coming from the ball of light directly to my stomach, repatterning the energy of it, making sure it’s completely healed. That was the energy of God working on it.

Soon after that, I noticed that my chest area was very calm, serene and happy. Before that, I hadn’t really noticed very much, but it must have been tight, felt upset and definitely not ok. It was now exceedingly ok and relaxed.

After this session, I had six days left of a two-week packet of medicine, so when it was gone I did not open a new pack. After missing one day’s meds, heartburn started to come back. It was then that I remembered that it can take a while for the energetic shift to be fully integrated into the body.

I decided to take a few more packets of meds and stop them when my life wasn’t a complete stress ball. During the first few weeks off meds, I experienced absolutely no discomfort or symptoms of heartburn or reflux. And I did not change my diet at all. Then, I did have some incidences of mild heartburn for a while, which I treated by drinking a cup of water with a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar with immediate relief. It’s been over two months since this healing session and my reflux has not returned. The heartburn is occurring less and less and as my body continues to heal, the heartburn is soon become a thing of the past.

Nothing was done to get rid of reflux other than having this extraordinary healing session. No dietary change or weight loss. Nothing. After about seven years on daily acid blocking medication, I am healed of acid reflux!

A year ago, I healed myself of Type 2 diabetes. Now acid reflux. Next, I will work on healing my thyroid in the hopes of getting off or at least severely reducing the need for thyroid medicine. Energy healing has helped me heal emotional/ relationship issues and physical ones. It creates true miracles.

My Inner Tantrum: Secrets

As much as I’ve done a butt ton of healing around being controlled and molested by an older brother when we were young, there are still days when the Little Me inside is kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum.

She’s still hurting and is angry that her big brother, the one who was supposed to be her protector, was her violator. He let her down. He disappointed her. And worse than that, he hurt her, badly. She wants nothing more than to hurt him back. To tell his wife that he’s not who she thinks he is. Not that he’s some evil child molester, because he’s not. But that the reason these two siblings don’t have a close, loving relationship is not for nothing. There is a very real reason behind it that she has no idea of. Little Me wants this woman to know, to have a little revenge, but I don’t want to rock her world; because it totally would. Well, sometimes I do, just a little.

Why should he get to walk away scot-free, like nothing happened, when my body got trashed? I had to go through a full pregnancy, 25 hours of labor (back labor really, really sucks), only to have my vagina cut so some doctor I didn’t know could pull my baby out of me with forceps. Episiotomies suck. And then I had to go through hormonal hell and milk coming into breasts that were too young; milk that just stayed there and caused pain while I left my baby behind when I left the hospital. When all my body wanted was to bond with my baby and to nurse, and I had to deny it. I had to deny that I even had a baby just a few day later.

Why did I have to keep a toxic secret that I didn’t create or cause? Why did I have to suffer all those years? Why did I have to wear a mantle of shame, while my brother could act like nothing happened? His body wasn’t ravaged. He wasn’t dragged through hormone hell. He didn’t have to sign away rights to a baby that lived inside his body for 9 months. He just walked away like nothing happened.

Damned right I get mad sometimes.

More and more, Young Me is understanding what happened and why. She’s seeing the bigger picture of why it all happened. In her (my) head, there is the understanding of soul agreements; agreements between me and my older brother’s soul, that were made before we incarnated. Agreements to create a dynamic between us, for me to learn, to experience contrast and to expand my soul by having experiences.

As I understand that my brother was born with what I call wonky wiring in his head, and that he experienced inappropriate sexual touch at a very young age, setting him up for some twisted morals, it makes what he did to me a little bit understandable. But I judge him and his behavior from the morals in my head, my morals. And my morality tells me that it is not ok to exert control over another person when it causes them emotional pain or discomfort, especially when it’s your little sister. That’s what a bully does. My morals tell me it’s not ok to fuck your sister, to rape your sister and especially not ok to keep doing it against her will.

I now see that for some reason, a piece of me is still stuck. I don’t know if I’m stuck in time, stuck in resonance with a certain energetic pattern, or what. That bit of me is unable or unwilling to leave the past in the past. It’s actually odd when you think about it. I was violated years ago. My body has physically healed from being pregnant (as much as it can). And I am not currently being violated. I keep bringing the past into the present and reinjuring or re-wounding myself. I am doing it. My brother isn’t doing it. He’s hundreds of miles away. So what’s going on?

I’m not a scientist, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a neurologist, so I can’t explain why we let old thoughts keep popping up in this way. But I have learned from personal experience that using alternative methods of healing, I can reduce the energetic “dance” between us. And when the energetic entanglement isn’t so tangled or engaged, the emotional upset and irritation is much lessened. I’ve read about cords of attachment, and see them like rubber bands between two people. They are actually connected energetically. When there are a lot of strong feelings between two people, this energetic cord is visualized as being very large, or thick. And when there is great love or hate, I see the cord as vibrating with the emotion.

As I have worked on myself with the intent of disengaging from this energetic entanglement or cord, I see the connection between my brother and myself as getting smaller. The cord is thinning and weakening. As this happens, I am becoming much less reactive to my brother, and he to me. I’ve come a very long way, and look forward to the day when this cord is 100% disconnected. I’ll know when it has happened when I can think of my brother and our childhood, and there is no emotional charge left. I have a feeling that when I get to that place, the one thing that is now forcing us to have to speak with each other, will change, and I won’t have to deal with him at all. My lesson will be learned.

Each time I speak with my brother, I notice that I am less and less irritated, angered, or bothered by having to communicate with him. In fact, very recently, our conversations are pretty comfortable. This shows me very clearly that the energetic entanglement between us is thinning, is dissolving. With this decrease, I can view him more objectively, with less and less reactivity. I can see him for who he truly is, a lost soul with control issues.

He has become so disconnected from his spirit that he thinks he has little control over his life. Because of it, the one thing he constantly seeks is control; control over others. And that is beyond sad.

Here’s to my being a work in progress. May my progress in this area bring me more and more peace. After all, that’s really what we all want, isn’t it? Peace in our heart.