Category Archives: Abuse

Understanding Why I Was Molested: A Spiritual Perspective

As a girl, I was molested by my older brother. Over the course of about two years, he would regularly molest me at night in my bedroom, and continued to do so until I became pregnant at fourteen years old. Less than a week past my fifteenth birthday, I gave birth to a baby girl, whom I gave up for adoption.

About six years ago, I learned that we, as souls, plan experiences to have during our lifetimes, with the goal of soul growth and expansion. What that means is, we want to go through challenging times, experience fear, anger, mistrust, frustration, hate, loathing, sadness, disconnection, despair, and pain, with the express purpose of finding ways to turn things around. We want to experience the exhilaration of moving from anger into happiness, from sadness into joy, and from mistrust into trust. And the deeper the pain, the more expansive it is when we can move into comfort and joy. Our soul expands and grows in this way.

A quick and easy analogy would be to think of the internal discomfort you feel when you have gas and need to burp or fart, and the relief you feel upon the expulsion of the gas.

A little bit deeper analogy for soul expansion is to think back to a time when you had an intense physical pain, like a migraine headache, or a stomach flu. Remember how excruciating it was to have your head throb, with the slightest bit of light, sound or movement aggravating it? Remember the feeling of a knife jabbing into your stomach during a stomach flu, or the discomfort right before you vomited? Now think back to when your headache was finally completely resolved, and there was no more pain or even shadows of pain. And remember after your stomach flu was finally over, when you were able to eat whatever you desired again. Remember the sweet relief, the uplifting happiness, and the renewed energy you felt?

An example of soul growth is when a person who grew up with judgment around something, like a person’s race, making them racist, is able to change their beliefs. Often it takes having an experience to show a person that their belief is no longer true for them. In that realization, judgment can be instantaneously dropped, and the soul expands.

Being able to sit in a place of forgiveness; to completely let go the negative pieces and parts of a horrible experience, to no longer be attached to the memories in any painful way, to have moved into a place of peace in your heart about an experience, is one of the sweetest things a soul desires to experience.

Our souls want to experience growth in a physical body in ways they cannot grow as only spirit and light.

The myriad of experiences we can have while were in a physical body is limitless. We start creating challenges by taking on a veil of forgetting, as we are born. We forget that we are actually divine spirits, bits of our source energy, created in order to create and experience. We don’t realize that things like judgment and misbeliefs are human creations.

As we plan our human incarnation (I specified human because our spirits have had many incarnations as things and beings other than human), we take advantage of our being in a human body and all of its primal desires to survive. The biggie is fear of death. What a motivator! Another is fear of pain. That most definitely creates change.

Our souls want to experience physical pleasures like eating, listening to music, touching something soft, seeing beautiful nature, smelling flowers and foods. We want to experience physical sensations that cause a range of emotions, from pain all the way through to pleasure.

Some of the challenges we, as souls, want to experience for the purposes of growth are physical deficit or deformity: being blind, deaf, or missing a limb or organ. We want to experience chronic illness and disease, from allergies all the way through having ALS, cancer, diabetes, and Crone’s disease. We want to experience emotional challenges such as feeling separation from source energy, or from the divine. We want to experience addiction in its many forms. We want to experience lack of self-love. We want to experience shame in its many facets.

Just after this past Christmas, I was thinking a lot about the soul planning and lessons I might have set up for myself. And with that in mind, and wanting to let go of more anger towards my older brother (it’s a process), I asked an intuitive for help. The woman who I sought out has the ability to channel wisdom through a group of beings in spirit. I asked her to see what was in my life planning that ended up giving me the experience of molestation and pregnancy. I wanted to know what lesson I had set up for myself to grow from.

We humans, with our need to judge others and ourselves, create the perfect petri dish for breeding shame and lack of self-love. Because of this, my soul decided this time around to go for some big-time challenges. I’ve had lifetimes of happiness with the soul who is now my older brother. And we decided to shake things up this time around and give me an opportunity to experience the very human emotion of shame. And not just a little shame, but to set my life up so I would experience a LOT of shame.

I was told that in planning my life, I didn’t set the specifics to be molested and to become pregnant, but my brother and I made an agreement that he would do things that would contribute to my feeling very deep shame. And in doing so, he, as a soul, out of his love for me, would put himself in the place of being hated, and distrusted. He would put himself in the place of deeply hurting his little sister who looked up to him. As a soul, I can imagine that this must have been tough for him to agree to. But I can also imagine his faith in me, that I could turn this around and truly grow from it.

I now see more of the dynamics at play, how I was set up to be able to be molested, how my mother and my brother were able to work in concert, one making it so I had no personal boundaries, no love of self or sense of self-power, and the other taking advantage of this, swooping in to birth the shame.

Things that contributed to my feeling intense shame were, the belief that I should have been able to stop my brother from molesting me, while at the same time being scared to death of getting in trouble, the cultural climate (severe judgment) around being a fourteen year old single pregnant girl in the late seventies, and secrecy that was created by my father out of his own fears.

If there was no fear on my part that I would get in trouble/ stir up a hornets nest if I told what was going on when my brother started molesting me, the molestation would have ended quickly. If there was absolutely no judgment around a teen pregnancy or one caused by incest, the pregnancy would have either been terminated (because I wouldn’t have hidden it), or I would have openly had my daughter. I might have raised my daughter with my parents help. Or I might have placed her for adoption with an open adoption. Without all the judgment, fear wouldn’t have been created, and intense and deeply held shame wouldn’t have been created.

Much of the healing work I’ve done has been around creating personal boundaries, taking back my power that I gave away along the way, and learning how to change deeply held beliefs that were created when I was little, just trying to survive; beliefs that no longer serve me. I now see that some of the biggest challenges I set up for myself were to remember my divinity, and to re-own self-love. These things are always here, always with us. We just need to find a way to get back to them, to remember and re-experience them.

For me, the quickest way to feel better is to drop all judgment and know that I am a spark of source energy, manifested into this miraculous thing called a human female body. The journey to feeling better and to forgiveness has been a long one, and I’m making tremendous progress. Here’s to a future of more and more peace.


Healing From (Food) Addiction

About 16 months ago, my doctor diagnosed me with Type 2 Diabetes. After a lifetime of using food to quiet my internal cravings, my body had ballooned to over 300 lbs. and my systems that should handle turning sugar into energy and using insulin properly, were out of whack. Sugar stayed in my blood, giving me high blood sugar.

The few months before this diagnosis, I was working on healing by having sessions with a local soul-directed hypnotherapist. During one of my sessions, I looked at why I used to food as my drug of choice. First thing, my hypnotherapist went through the induction phase of the session, getting me to relax. The goal of this part of a session is to quiet the conscious mind so things that are sitting quietly in the unconscious can be allowed to come up and speak.

While deeply relaxed in hypnosis, I was directed to tune into a feeling of unease and discomfort that I feel from time to time, that I’ve been using food to quiet. I thought about that feeling and what came was the feeling that everything is too quiet and calm; that my mother will lash out at me at any moment, without warning. I feel jumpy. She’ll take out her anger and craziness on me with her vicious tongue, again. I am four years old.

I was instructed to go back in time to the first time I felt this same way. I am two years old. My mother is yelling at me. Her energy is so big it cuts right through me, causing my solar plexus and gut to tighten into a ball. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and disappear. I realized that my body is extremely sensitive to energy. I can feel people’s emotions wafting off their body. My sensors are my solar plexus and my gut.

In a flash I recognized that when I am eating is about the only time that my tummy doesn’t overload on sensing other people, because it’s busy digesting food. This time that I am dining is a respite and a break for my tummy antenna. Food is my friend. It helps keep me sane.

My hypnotherapist had the adult me come into the scene with each of my younger selves.  Adult me talked to each of the younger selves and shared her wisdom with each of them. Both times the wisdom is the same: that your mother is mentally ill and that when she yells at you it is not because of anything you have done. You are not bad. It’s not about you. She is not entirely in control of her emotions and uses you as her verbal battering ram. You are a perfect, beautiful little girl. There is nothing wrong with you. You are an exquisitely sensitive and very smart girl. Then adult me gave little me a big hug.

After receiving hugs, love, and wisdom, each of the younger versions of me instantly became happy and light. The two-year old danced around and the four-year old was happy and instantly wanted to go play with her dolls.

Then we moved forward to when I was twelve. I was molested by my older brother. After sharing my adult wisdom with my twelve-year-old self, instead of being all happy-go-lucky like the young ones, this time I was totally pissed off and felt completely ripped off; like life fucked me over in the drive-thru.

During that time in my life, I could barely even be angry because of all of the dysfunction going on around me and because I had absolutely no personal boundaries. To be able to bring up this anger and let it out was a very big deal and a positive step forward.

Using hypnosis, I was able to go back in time to the very first instance I used food to quiet emotional pain, and healed what was going on. Using my adult perspective, I enlightened that young part of me that was essentially cut off and stuck in time. I’ve learned that when I have a behavior that pops up when I don’t want it to, when it becomes “triggered,” what’s going on is a subconscious belief that was most likely formed when I was very, very young is acting out; it is still active. Especially when people experience trauma when they are young, this sort of therapy is extremely effective and efficient. No spending months and months of talk therapy trying to dig up things deeply buried in the subconscious.

This session played a huge part in my being able to easily change my eating habits with my diabetes diagnosis. I dramatically shifted how I ate with ease and grace I never could have imagined even six months prior. I have spent a lifetime craving bread, pasta, and sugar in particular, and all of that has changed in a very big way. In the past year I have eaten very little bread or pasta, and just a modest amount of sugar. I lost almost 75 lbs. and have kept off over 65 lbs. to date. (I backslid a little bit this past school year because of extreme stress around my son and his emotional difficulties).

And along with change of diet, I had a powerfully healing hypnotherapy session around diabetes. My blood sugar now is no longer considered diabetic (or even prediabetic). It is 100% normal! My fasting blood sugar, A1C (a 3 month average of blood sugar) and insulin levels are all normal. Even with weight loss and a change of eating, I firmly believe that unless the underlying cause for an illness such as diabetes is healed, a person’s body will continue to struggle with whatever the issue is.

To keep things open and honest, I still struggle a little bit with food once in a while, but not even close to what I used to live with every single day. Bread, pasta and sugar were my foods of choice for binging. Today I rarely eat bread or pasta at all, even on my worst days. I know that the hypnotherapy session I shared with you here was one gigantic step in my healing. Another gigantic step was having a session around creating personal boundaries. I’m still a work in progress, and I’ve made huge progress to date.

My Inner Tantrum: Secrets

As much as I’ve done a butt ton of healing around being controlled and molested by an older brother when we were young, there are still days when the Little Me inside is kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum.

She’s still hurting and is angry that her big brother, the one who was supposed to be her protector, was her violator. He let her down. He disappointed her. And worse than that, he hurt her, badly. She wants nothing more than to hurt him back. To tell his wife that he’s not who she thinks he is. Not that he’s some evil child molester, because he’s not. But that the reason these two siblings don’t have a close, loving relationship is not for nothing. There is a very real reason behind it that she has no idea of. Little Me wants this woman to know, to have a little revenge, but I don’t want to rock her world; because it totally would. Well, sometimes I do, just a little.

Why should he get to walk away scot-free, like nothing happened, when my body got trashed? I had to go through a full pregnancy, 25 hours of labor (back labor really, really sucks), only to have my vagina cut so some doctor I didn’t know could pull my baby out of me with forceps. Episiotomies suck. And then I had to go through hormonal hell and milk coming into breasts that were too young; milk that just stayed there and caused pain while I left my baby behind when I left the hospital. When all my body wanted was to bond with my baby and to nurse, and I had to deny it. I had to deny that I even had a baby just a few day later.

Why did I have to keep a toxic secret that I didn’t create or cause? Why did I have to suffer all those years? Why did I have to wear a mantle of shame, while my brother could act like nothing happened? His body wasn’t ravaged. He wasn’t dragged through hormone hell. He didn’t have to sign away rights to a baby that lived inside his body for 9 months. He just walked away like nothing happened.

Damned right I get mad sometimes.

More and more, Young Me is understanding what happened and why. She’s seeing the bigger picture of why it all happened. In her (my) head, there is the understanding of soul agreements; agreements between me and my older brother’s soul, that were made before we incarnated. Agreements to create a dynamic between us, for me to learn, to experience contrast and to expand my soul by having experiences.

As I understand that my brother was born with what I call wonky wiring in his head, and that he experienced inappropriate sexual touch at a very young age, setting him up for some twisted morals, it makes what he did to me a little bit understandable. But I judge him and his behavior from the morals in my head, my morals. And my morality tells me that it is not ok to exert control over another person when it causes them emotional pain or discomfort, especially when it’s your little sister. That’s what a bully does. My morals tell me it’s not ok to fuck your sister, to rape your sister and especially not ok to keep doing it against her will.

I now see that for some reason, a piece of me is still stuck. I don’t know if I’m stuck in time, stuck in resonance with a certain energetic pattern, or what. That bit of me is unable or unwilling to leave the past in the past. It’s actually odd when you think about it. I was violated years ago. My body has physically healed from being pregnant (as much as it can). And I am not currently being violated. I keep bringing the past into the present and reinjuring or re-wounding myself. I am doing it. My brother isn’t doing it. He’s hundreds of miles away. So what’s going on?

I’m not a scientist, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a neurologist, so I can’t explain why we let old thoughts keep popping up in this way. But I have learned from personal experience that using alternative methods of healing, I can reduce the energetic “dance” between us. And when the energetic entanglement isn’t so tangled or engaged, the emotional upset and irritation is much lessened. I’ve read about cords of attachment, and see them like rubber bands between two people. They are actually connected energetically. When there are a lot of strong feelings between two people, this energetic cord is visualized as being very large, or thick. And when there is great love or hate, I see the cord as vibrating with the emotion.

As I have worked on myself with the intent of disengaging from this energetic entanglement or cord, I see the connection between my brother and myself as getting smaller. The cord is thinning and weakening. As this happens, I am becoming much less reactive to my brother, and he to me. I’ve come a very long way, and look forward to the day when this cord is 100% disconnected. I’ll know when it has happened when I can think of my brother and our childhood, and there is no emotional charge left. I have a feeling that when I get to that place, the one thing that is now forcing us to have to speak with each other, will change, and I won’t have to deal with him at all. My lesson will be learned.

Each time I speak with my brother, I notice that I am less and less irritated, angered, or bothered by having to communicate with him. In fact, very recently, our conversations are pretty comfortable. This shows me very clearly that the energetic entanglement between us is thinning, is dissolving. With this decrease, I can view him more objectively, with less and less reactivity. I can see him for who he truly is, a lost soul with control issues.

He has become so disconnected from his spirit that he thinks he has little control over his life. Because of it, the one thing he constantly seeks is control; control over others. And that is beyond sad.

Here’s to my being a work in progress. May my progress in this area bring me more and more peace. After all, that’s really what we all want, isn’t it? Peace in our heart.

How To Create Boundaries When You Have None

A very huge step in healing an abusive childhood, has been learning about personal boundaries, and creating them.

Because of how my life was set up from the beginning, I had no personal boundaries as a child, and even well into adulthood I had few. When as a little child you learn that if you exert your independence in any way, you might metaphorically get your head chopped off, you learn to not trust yourself. You learn that you are not ok, not enough, and that there is something wrong with you. You learn to stay on guard, for fear of being attacked. You keep your defenses up, and because of needing to stay in survival mode, a sense of self, self-worth and self-confidence doesn’t develop.

One of the powerful hypnotherapy sessions I had back in March 2014 that helped create personal boundaries, was one where I examined body image. I’ve had other sessions since this one that have helped strengthen my sense of self-worth and boundaries, but this was the first one that I experienced.

During hypnotherapy sessions with my soul-directed hypnotherapist, after having a short discussion on what I wanted to work on, she would relax me and guide me through a journey.  On this day, I decided to work on body image (which was poor).

Growing up, I didn’t have any women in my life to model healthy body image. My mother was always dissatisfied with her body, always on a diet, feeding me the message that she was overweight and not ok. I took that message into my little body and by the time I was 13, I joined Mom on the dieting bandwagon. For the record, my mother was not overweight, and neither was I, back then.

After putting me into deep relaxation, I was guided to hover above a timeline of my life and go back to a time where I first had an issue with my body (or dieting). I popped back to eight years old. Someone told me I was fat; probably my older brother, teasing me. Feeling sad and confused, I really took it in. Then, I was directed to have my current day adult me go talk to my eight-year-old self. I told my young self that she was absolutely perfect just as she was – she was not fat at all. And, that she had a great, strong body that was just right. When the young me heard that, she became very happy and joyful. She gained confidence and strength. I actually saw her aura pop out from her body, signifying that she developed a sense of self and some personal boundaries. She really felt good about herself.

Then, I was prompted to move forward in time to the next time I didn’t feel so great about my body. I was 13 and had gotten my period and was not sure about all of these changes in my developing body. I was very unsure about my new curves and boobs and period. I didn’t feel confident at all about myself, and was confused with all of the changes. When my older self talked to my 13 year-old self, I reassured her that the changes she was going through were very normal and natural, and that she had a great body that was very pretty, that she was cute, and everything was just as it was supposed to be. I told her that she would get used to her new body and that it was a great body. With the reassurance, I noticed that the 13 year-old me became very grounded and centered. The feeling was that nothing could knock her over. All she needed was reassurance from me. Her confidence soared.

Then, I moved forward to when I was barely 15 and just had my daughter. The 15 year-old felt completely ruined in every way. She felt physically ruined, emotionally ruined, just ruined. I told her that she had been through a tough time and got a bad deal, but that she was awesome and perfect. And, because she was only 15, her body would come back to being a cute teenage body with a little bit of healthy eating and exercise. Yes, she will always have the stretch marks, but that’s OK because she brought a beautiful little girl into the world. A little girl who would make a couple into a family, who would raise her well and that she would be happy. I also reminded her that she did NOTHING wrong. It was NOT her fault. At first, the 15-year-old got really mad, mad at the perpetrator who molested her, because he had ruined her perfect body. She was pissed!! It took a while, but she slowly came around to the idea that her body was great, and that she totally rocked. She was able to see that she did get her cute body back after some healthy eating and exercise and that it was a great, strong body. Finally, she felt awesome about herself.

Then, my hypnotherapist had the energies of the various me’s roll up the timeline and join in with present-day me. I felt the confidence and strength of the other me’s, and it felt more confident than present-day me. As the energy of each me moved forward up the timeline, I received a message from them. First, the eight-year-old, who had been waiting a very long time for her knight in shining armor to come riding in to save her, when all along, she realized, it was the adult me that she was waiting for. She was in tears with gratitude, thanking me for saving her. Then, the thirteen-year-old expressed her thanks to me for coming back and rescuing her as well. More tears. Finally, the fifteen-year-old was filled with love and gratitude that I had finally come back and saved her as well. Her message also included, “What took you so long?” Tears and laughter.

Once the transformed energies of the past merged into present time, I clairvoyantly got the message: “You don’t need food anymore. You have all of the me’s holding you up, keeping you strong.” What a powerful message.

From there, my hypnotherapist reinforced all of the positive, new thoughts and beliefs, rewriting my past and rewiring my brain.

I have learned that with each session, I clear away old, trapped energies. And, in doing so, change happens. It’s a process. Over time, small and even not-so-small shifts begin to add up. These days, I truly appreciate how amazing my body is; all of the things it does for me without my thinking about them. And, that it is designed as a self-healing, divine vessel for my beautiful soul so that I can experience this life I have.

Progress that I’ve seen in myself since this session over a year ago is now living with the knowing that I am amazing. The things I can do with regards to healing and transmuting energy are incredible. I now feel the brilliant light inside me, shining out. Yes, some days are tough, but on the whole, my sense of self is dramatically different.

I know that I am a little spark, an actual piece of the divine I call God. I am a bit that is experiencing contrast, expansion, pain, suffering, joy, happiness, love, sadness, frustration, and so much more because that’s why we are here on earth in a human body. Because I recognize the God in me, I now have pretty healthy boundaries where I value and cherish myself. I take care of myself, recharge my batteries, love myself, value myself, and appreciate myself. Because of this, I am mindful of my energetic self (as much as I can be) and do not give away everything I am and have. It is not loving to give yourself away to where you are drained dry. It is loving to stand by someone in support and just be there for them while they sort their life out (or not). That’s their journey, not yours. The love that we have for ourselves comes first, because if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else. It begins in your heart and emanates outwards to people around you and to the world.

Here’s a quick little exercise to see how you’re doing. Look into a mirror, into your eyes and say, “I deeply and truly love you.” You are talking to yourself, your soul and to God. Did you hear anything in your head? Was there a response from your subconscious? I used to get a clear response. It was, “Bullshit.” Not much love there. When I do that same exercise today, I receive positive responses. What an amazing transformation. And it shows in all aspects of my life; how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, and how I expect to be treated by others. And the process goes on!

Looking At Life From A Different Perspective

Over the past 4 years, I’ve learned to look at life from a different perspective. This is what “waking up” spiritually has done for me. I first learned about perspective in college during the first sociology class I ever took, when I was taught to look at a scene and glean two different judgments from it. The scene is being apart from your loved one for a while. One perspective is, “out of sight, out of mind.” The other is, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Several years ago, before I even woke up, I had a handful of experiences during hypnotherapy sessions that blew my mind at the time. These experiences were not suggested to me while in hypnosis, and I wasn’t prompted or influenced to have them. They spontaneously happened. And they were all metaphysical.

Billy Fingers shift in perspective

One of these experiences involved my seeing myself and a spiritual guide talking about and reviewing the life I was about to enter into. They talked about a challenge that I wanted to work on during this lifetime, and I knew in a flash that we plan to work on lessons or challenges during our lives, in order for us to grow. I also knew that we have guides in spirit that are always available to us. The last thing I remember vividly was the knowing that when I die, there is no external God that sits in judgment of us and our life. We review the life we just lived and decide where we could have done better, perhaps planning to repeat a lesson that we didn’t master.

Billy Fingers you are a soul

Working with people who have easy access to the spiritual realm, has helped me to find some answers about my particular life’s challenges. During one psychic reading and healing session, I learned that my older brother and I spent a lifetime together where we set things up so that he would dominate me sexually and have power over me. The goal was for me to be able to move past the hurt and pain. Unfortunately, in that lifetime, between the parameters that were set up, and free will decisions that were made along the way, I did not get past any of the hurt or pain, and ended up taking my life. The healing session helped bring back some bits of me that had been lost along the way.

Billy Fingers do the dance together

Since having this experience and more, I have come across books, videos, websites and more, that speak to the idea of our planning our life before we are born. Our soul has a deep desire to grow and to expand by having a variety of experiences. To accomplish this growth, our soul may decide to enter a human body on planet earth. There are actually other options, but this is one of the most challenging, giving our soul the potential for a lot of growth. So that we have the best chance of succeeding in our mission of living this lifetime, a veil of forgetfulness is brought down into our brain, erasing the memory our other lifetimes and our life in spirit between lifetimes. We also forget that we have direct connection to the source that created us all; that which I call God.

There are some people, however, who haven’t lost these memories or connection to this spirit world. I have met many, and even a few who remember their lives back to when they originally split off from God, being created into a seemingly separate soul. I’ve also learned that it is possible to reach or connect to this other world a number of ways. Meditation is one way. And my current favorite is using hypnotherapy.

Billy Fingers you are magnificent can be painful

Since learning that we actually participate in planning our lives, I now know that we create agreements and contracts with other souls, in order to work out karmic balancing, and for us to expand by having a variety of life experiences. We set up relationships like who our family members will be, potential spouses, friends and other people in our lives who will become our teachers. We also set up the potential to create things in our life; like accidents, injury, or serious illness. We pick our sex, sexual orientation, our nationality, color, creed, whether our body will be born healthy or not, if we will have a handicap, or will be on the autism spectrum.

With a goal of growth and expansion, we set up things in our life to bring on pain. After all, pain is one of the biggest motivators for change. Terri Daniel speaks beautifully about pain and forgiveness in this short video. She learned that her life’s plan of being a mother and then losing her son was designed to give her the best shot of becoming a minister and intuitive counselor who assists dying and grieving individuals to discover a more spiritually spacious understanding of death and beyond. The healing work she does today is incredible. I’ve recently been watching several videos online and plan to buy at least one of her books.

An author and hypnotherapist I recently discovered, who has written about our souls plans, what they are, why they are, and more, is Robert Schwartz. His work is excellent.

One of the earlier books I discovered that talks about soul families and soul’s plans, is Journey of Souls, by Dr. Michael Newton.  I’m linking to his book on his website in case anyone wants to explore his website further.

A blog that I read regularly and love, is called Ask The Council. It is written by a man, Bob, and his wife, Cynthia. Cynthia has the ability to channel a group in spirit, who call themselves The Council. People write questions on the blog, and they are answered by The Council. Here is one of their posts that speaks to agreements made between souls before entering into a life. It talks about the highly charged issue of abortion.

Billy Fingers life is learning experience

The last author I’m going to introduce you to today is Annie Kagan. After her heroin addicted, alcoholic brother suddenly died, Annie was grief-stricken. A few weeks later, he came to her. Once he convinced her she wasn’t going crazy, and she wasn’t making it up, Annie began communicating with her dead brother. The wisdom he shared about life and death in Annie’s book, The Afterlife of Billy Fingers, brought tremendous amounts of peace to my heart. And it confirmed a few things I’d learned about what happens when we die, that I discovered in my own hypnotherapy sessions: like, there being no judgmental, damning God appearing at the pearly gates. The Facebook Page for The Afterlife of Billy Fingers is one of my favorites for inspirational quotes (from the book).

Billy Fingers earth is a game

So what’s the big deal about being able to see life through the lens of different perspectives? It has helped me to literally shift energy, to move out what I see as old, stuck, crap that I’ve kept with me for a lifetime. When I’m able to loosen my grip on old hurts, old pain, old anger, it can finally move out of my body and my energy field. What’s the result of that? Healing of physical and emotional hurts and diseases. And who wouldn’t want to feel better?

Billy Fingers you forget your magificence

That said, please know that my way is not the only way to feel better and to heal. It’s the path that I’ve found and followed, and seems to be working for me. There are as many paths and ways to heal as there are people on the planet. To find your path, listen to and follow your heart. It will never steer you wrong.

Billy Fingers other dimensions

The Minefield of Mother’s Day

So here it is: Mother’s Day. No one in my house has wished me a happy Mother’s Day. No one even remembers it’s Mother’s Day. As much as I love my husband, he doesn’t remember days like this without big reminders. I’m feeling like it’s not my job to remind him today. And my son is pretty oblivious to anything today but his own needs.

You see, the commercial Mother’s Day is filled with images of a loving and doting mother who cherishes her children. They show her being put together, able to handle anything thrown her way, and having children who are wired “normally.” They show image of happy families honoring their matriarch; the mother and grandmother.

What they don’t show are all the mothers out there who are damaged. The mothers who were abused, who are emotionally unstable, or who are mentally ill. Both my (now deceased) mother and I fit into this latter category. My mother was both emotionally damaged by her mother, and was mentally ill: bipolar. Her mental illness wasn’t medicated until she became so manic that she completely lost touch with reality and was put into a mental hospital. By this time I was in 10th or 11th grade. The damage had been done. Her psychiatrist, who was later sued in a class action lawsuit, knew she was bipolar, but thought he could psychoanalyze it out of her. He would also string along clients in an effort to drain more money from their pocketbooks. He should be shot.

I grew up in a household where I was not emotionally supported, loved, and cherished. I was verbally assaulted when my mother was manic, slicing me with her words, and abandoned by her when she was depressed. I was not the only one affected by my mother. My older brother was also damaged by our mother. His damage left him feeling powerless. He came into the world with less than stellar wiring in his head, so his damage not only left him feeling powerless, it let him think that inappropriate sexual touch was how to show love. His moral compass developed with a major deviation. Mom was sexually inappropriate with him on more than one occasion. It affected him deeply and he doesn’t even know it.

As far as I can tell, my younger brother seems to have made it out without too much damage. Thank God.

Growing up with my older brother, there was a relationship dynamic of controller/ controlee, predator/ prey. He dominated me emotionally and physically. When we were little, he figured out that his little sister would do what he wanted, because she sought validation. She didn’t get it from her mother, and she hoped her older brother would be that for her. Instead, I let myself be controlled by him, doing things that, in my gut felt wrong, but I so desperately needed the validation. He relished the feeling of control. It made him feel powerful and ok within himself. The moral compass that holds most people back, had deviated enough that he could neither feel nor hear it’s messages.

Eventually, when my brother’s hormones raged, he came to me to both control and to satisfy his urges. Maybe there was a part of him that thought it was loving as well. All I know is he violated me, he controlled me by making me believe that if I told anyone, I would get in trouble. Me. He molested me, raped me, and eventually impregnated me. After the big secret came out, the wall of even bigger shame and secrecy fell. Bigger that the great wall of China.

My being pregnant was a horrible shame on the family. I had shamed the family for being pregnant. This secret must never come out. My father was terrified that if it came out, he would lose all business and we would end up ostracized, homeless, and living on the street. Of course, that never would have happened. But that’s the way my father reacted. He swore us all to secrecy.

My mother went along. We all went along. How was my being molested handled? Poorly. So, on top of being ashamed that I let my brother control, dominate and rape me, I was now ashamed that I was pregnant and had shamed my entire family. How fucked up is that?

It just so happens that I was able to hide my pregnancy until the end of the school year (freshman year of high school), when I entered a home for unwed mothers. Lies were created so people thought I went off to summer camp for the whole summer. I delivered my daughter 2 weeks into the school year, took a week to recover, and returned home and to school, as if nothing had happened (other than another lie of my coming down with an illness at the end of camp, keeping me away from home for a few more weeks). So, no one found out about our shameful, dirty secret, which I was now integrally a part of. Six weeks later, I signed away all rights to my daughter, giving her up for adoption.

With the healing work I’ve been doing recently, memories of old wounding are coming up. My mind was a champ at blocking out years of bad memories, but it’s safe for them to resurface and be healed. Because of that, thinking about Mother’s Day today is extremely emotionally charged for me. I didn’t know my grandmothers, and I didn’t have a close relationship with either of my 2 aunts. There is no matriarch in my family for me to look up to with memories of being cherished by them.

Even my own experience of being a mother has included depression and personal struggle while raising a special needs child with his own daily issues. It has been a long and difficult road.

So, today is Mother’s Day. If I see one more thing on Facebook about how wonderful someone’s mother is, or how much someone is missing their dead mother, I think I’m going to scream. I’m glad their mother is or was a saint. They need to know that there are plenty of mothers out there who were or are nightmares, or who are struggling to not be a nightmare themselves.

Stepping Outside of His Dream Bubble

Last fall (2014), I decided to take a walk on the wild side and investigate shamanic healing. I’ve used a variety of healing modalities and one consciousness technology, to facilitate shifts in myself so I feel better about life, but I’d never used a shamanic practitioner.

It turns out the acupuncturist who works at my doctor’s (naturopath) office is not only trained in Acupuncture and Chinese medicine, but also has trained as a shamanic practitioner (she corrected me when I called her a shaman). I arranged a healing session with her, and what we decided to do is called a Soul Retrieval Ceremony.

The premise is that as you go through life and are wounded, little bits of you or your soul become split off from the rest of you. When this happens, it affects you to your core. And what it does to a person is extremely varied. A Soul Retrieval Ceremony brings these pieces of your soul back to you, allowing you to be whole again. For anyone who as suffered from PTSD, I highly recommend this type of healing work. Even though I was never formally diagnosed with PTSD, I know I suffered from it. I once watched a show on TV where a soldier who returned from the Middle East was suffering deeply with PTSD. He was Native American and had a local Shaman perform a Soul Retrieval Ceremony with him. It helped him immeasurably.

During the ceremony itself, my shamanic practitioner had me lie on the floor, and stay present of mind. She did all of the “work.” She had a man drumming a beat for her, and she worked with tools like a rattle, a hawk’s wing, and some crystals. Before hand, we had talked about things I wanted to improve and things that were bothering me about my life, my relationship with my abusive brother being right up front. My brother and I were still working out estate issues from both of our parents’ estates at the time (they died within 10 months of each other), and being forced to deal with him was bringing up a lot of old anger and frustration in me.

Just to be clear about my brother, since we’ve grown up, are out on our own, and have families, he has never been sexually abusive to anyone else that I know of. He would never lay a hand on his daughter, for example. He and I have never had a close brother/ sister relationship and we never will. But we are generally cordial to one another. I don’t know exactly why his brain wiring let him think it was ok to repeatedly fuck his sister when he was a horny teenager (even when I told him not to), or why he felt he needed to dominate me as we were growing up, and I’m sure he has no clue. Although I believe it has to do with his feeling powerless and discovering that he could feel powerful by dominating me and taking my power. I’ve had more than one intuitive friend tell me that our mother (when she was manic) was sexually inappropriate (touching him inappropriately) with my brother when he was very little. I’m sure he doesn’t remember this.

With estate business forcing us to have to communicate and be in contact, it became clear to me that this was the time to work on my feelings about this relationship. Having to do business with my brother was painful and trying, and I’ve learned enough to know that there is nothing I can do to change him, so it’s me that needed to do the work in order for me to feel better.

During the Soul Retrieval Ceremony, pieces of my soul were returned to me. And a biggie for me was when I was told that I stepped outside of my brother’s dream bubble. In native tradition, the waking life that we all see as our very real life, is considered a dream. They consider the spirit world to be the real world.

I see a dream bubble as the soul contract my brother and I wrote before we incarnated for this lifetime. At the end of the ceremony, my soul basically said I’m done with this contract of my being dominated by my brother. I’m releasing whatever agreement we made, and I’m finished with it.

It took several weeks to fully integrate the new energy into my body and spirit, but what I’ve noticed here in my waking world, is that I am much less reactive towards my brother. He tends to be much slower of mind than I am, is not adept at decision-making or seeing below the surface of situations. I tend to think very quickly, process several things at the same time, and view people and situations from several angles and levels at the same time. Trying to get things done with this brother can feel like driving a four-cylinder car with two cylinders not firing, when I’m used to a smoothly running V-8. This can set me off, but not so much these days. And I’ve noticed that he’s been a little bit more communicative, more willing to talk about family business things, than before. I spent decades, literally, being angry, and I know that it only hurt me.

This process of cutting energetic ties between us allows me to have more peace in my heart. It allows me to stand more solidly on my two feet, and at a soul level helps my brother as well. I learned that before I was born, he and I created a soul agreement to do this dance, with the goal for me of being able to rise above, heal, and in doing so, create big expansion for my soul’s growth. If you want to learn more about soul agreements, I highly recommend the work of Robert Schwartz ( I actually discovered this soul agreement stuff years back, but just discovered Robert Schwartz’s books recently. His information is in complete agreement from what I’ve learned from personal experience.

More importantly than this soul level stuff (at least for me in there here and now), I feel better about myself and my life.