Tag Archives: healing from abuse

Healing From (Food) Addiction

About 16 months ago, my doctor diagnosed me with Type 2 Diabetes. After a lifetime of using food to quiet my internal cravings, my body had ballooned to over 300 lbs. and my systems that should handle turning sugar into energy and using insulin properly, were out of whack. Sugar stayed in my blood, giving me high blood sugar.

The few months before this diagnosis, I was working on healing by having sessions with a local soul-directed hypnotherapist. During one of my sessions, I looked at why I used to food as my drug of choice. First thing, my hypnotherapist went through the induction phase of the session, getting me to relax. The goal of this part of a session is to quiet the conscious mind so things that are sitting quietly in the unconscious can be allowed to come up and speak.

While deeply relaxed in hypnosis, I was directed to tune into a feeling of unease and discomfort that I feel from time to time, that I’ve been using food to quiet. I thought about that feeling and what came was the feeling that everything is too quiet and calm; that my mother will lash out at me at any moment, without warning. I feel jumpy. She’ll take out her anger and craziness on me with her vicious tongue, again. I am four years old.

I was instructed to go back in time to the first time I felt this same way. I am two years old. My mother is yelling at me. Her energy is so big it cuts right through me, causing my solar plexus and gut to tighten into a ball. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and disappear. I realized that my body is extremely sensitive to energy. I can feel people’s emotions wafting off their body. My sensors are my solar plexus and my gut.

In a flash I recognized that when I am eating is about the only time that my tummy doesn’t overload on sensing other people, because it’s busy digesting food. This time that I am dining is a respite and a break for my tummy antenna. Food is my friend. It helps keep me sane.

My hypnotherapist had the adult me come into the scene with each of my younger selves.  Adult me talked to each of the younger selves and shared her wisdom with each of them. Both times the wisdom is the same: that your mother is mentally ill and that when she yells at you it is not because of anything you have done. You are not bad. It’s not about you. She is not entirely in control of her emotions and uses you as her verbal battering ram. You are a perfect, beautiful little girl. There is nothing wrong with you. You are an exquisitely sensitive and very smart girl. Then adult me gave little me a big hug.

After receiving hugs, love, and wisdom, each of the younger versions of me instantly became happy and light. The two-year old danced around and the four-year old was happy and instantly wanted to go play with her dolls.

Then we moved forward to when I was twelve. I was molested by my older brother. After sharing my adult wisdom with my twelve-year-old self, instead of being all happy-go-lucky like the young ones, this time I was totally pissed off and felt completely ripped off; like life fucked me over in the drive-thru.

During that time in my life, I could barely even be angry because of all of the dysfunction going on around me and because I had absolutely no personal boundaries. To be able to bring up this anger and let it out was a very big deal and a positive step forward.

Using hypnosis, I was able to go back in time to the very first instance I used food to quiet emotional pain, and healed what was going on. Using my adult perspective, I enlightened that young part of me that was essentially cut off and stuck in time. I’ve learned that when I have a behavior that pops up when I don’t want it to, when it becomes “triggered,” what’s going on is a subconscious belief that was most likely formed when I was very, very young is acting out; it is still active. Especially when people experience trauma when they are young, this sort of therapy is extremely effective and efficient. No spending months and months of talk therapy trying to dig up things deeply buried in the subconscious.

This session played a huge part in my being able to easily change my eating habits with my diabetes diagnosis. I dramatically shifted how I ate with ease and grace I never could have imagined even six months prior. I have spent a lifetime craving bread, pasta, and sugar in particular, and all of that has changed in a very big way. In the past year I have eaten very little bread or pasta, and just a modest amount of sugar. I lost almost 75 lbs. and have kept off over 65 lbs. to date. (I backslid a little bit this past school year because of extreme stress around my son and his emotional difficulties).

And along with change of diet, I had a powerfully healing hypnotherapy session around diabetes. My blood sugar now is no longer considered diabetic (or even prediabetic). It is 100% normal! My fasting blood sugar, A1C (a 3 month average of blood sugar) and insulin levels are all normal. Even with weight loss and a change of eating, I firmly believe that unless the underlying cause for an illness such as diabetes is healed, a person’s body will continue to struggle with whatever the issue is.

To keep things open and honest, I still struggle a little bit with food once in a while, but not even close to what I used to live with every single day. Bread, pasta and sugar were my foods of choice for binging. Today I rarely eat bread or pasta at all, even on my worst days. I know that the hypnotherapy session I shared with you here was one gigantic step in my healing. Another gigantic step was having a session around creating personal boundaries. I’m still a work in progress, and I’ve made huge progress to date.


My Inner Tantrum: Secrets

As much as I’ve done a butt ton of healing around being controlled and molested by an older brother when we were young, there are still days when the Little Me inside is kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum.

She’s still hurting and is angry that her big brother, the one who was supposed to be her protector, was her violator. He let her down. He disappointed her. And worse than that, he hurt her, badly. She wants nothing more than to hurt him back. To tell his wife that he’s not who she thinks he is. Not that he’s some evil child molester, because he’s not. But that the reason these two siblings don’t have a close, loving relationship is not for nothing. There is a very real reason behind it that she has no idea of. Little Me wants this woman to know, to have a little revenge, but I don’t want to rock her world; because it totally would. Well, sometimes I do, just a little.

Why should he get to walk away scot-free, like nothing happened, when my body got trashed? I had to go through a full pregnancy, 25 hours of labor (back labor really, really sucks), only to have my vagina cut so some doctor I didn’t know could pull my baby out of me with forceps. Episiotomies suck. And then I had to go through hormonal hell and milk coming into breasts that were too young; milk that just stayed there and caused pain while I left my baby behind when I left the hospital. When all my body wanted was to bond with my baby and to nurse, and I had to deny it. I had to deny that I even had a baby just a few day later.

Why did I have to keep a toxic secret that I didn’t create or cause? Why did I have to suffer all those years? Why did I have to wear a mantle of shame, while my brother could act like nothing happened? His body wasn’t ravaged. He wasn’t dragged through hormone hell. He didn’t have to sign away rights to a baby that lived inside his body for 9 months. He just walked away like nothing happened.

Damned right I get mad sometimes.

More and more, Young Me is understanding what happened and why. She’s seeing the bigger picture of why it all happened. In her (my) head, there is the understanding of soul agreements; agreements between me and my older brother’s soul, that were made before we incarnated. Agreements to create a dynamic between us, for me to learn, to experience contrast and to expand my soul by having experiences.

As I understand that my brother was born with what I call wonky wiring in his head, and that he experienced inappropriate sexual touch at a very young age, setting him up for some twisted morals, it makes what he did to me a little bit understandable. But I judge him and his behavior from the morals in my head, my morals. And my morality tells me that it is not ok to exert control over another person when it causes them emotional pain or discomfort, especially when it’s your little sister. That’s what a bully does. My morals tell me it’s not ok to fuck your sister, to rape your sister and especially not ok to keep doing it against her will.

I now see that for some reason, a piece of me is still stuck. I don’t know if I’m stuck in time, stuck in resonance with a certain energetic pattern, or what. That bit of me is unable or unwilling to leave the past in the past. It’s actually odd when you think about it. I was violated years ago. My body has physically healed from being pregnant (as much as it can). And I am not currently being violated. I keep bringing the past into the present and reinjuring or re-wounding myself. I am doing it. My brother isn’t doing it. He’s hundreds of miles away. So what’s going on?

I’m not a scientist, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a neurologist, so I can’t explain why we let old thoughts keep popping up in this way. But I have learned from personal experience that using alternative methods of healing, I can reduce the energetic “dance” between us. And when the energetic entanglement isn’t so tangled or engaged, the emotional upset and irritation is much lessened. I’ve read about cords of attachment, and see them like rubber bands between two people. They are actually connected energetically. When there are a lot of strong feelings between two people, this energetic cord is visualized as being very large, or thick. And when there is great love or hate, I see the cord as vibrating with the emotion.

As I have worked on myself with the intent of disengaging from this energetic entanglement or cord, I see the connection between my brother and myself as getting smaller. The cord is thinning and weakening. As this happens, I am becoming much less reactive to my brother, and he to me. I’ve come a very long way, and look forward to the day when this cord is 100% disconnected. I’ll know when it has happened when I can think of my brother and our childhood, and there is no emotional charge left. I have a feeling that when I get to that place, the one thing that is now forcing us to have to speak with each other, will change, and I won’t have to deal with him at all. My lesson will be learned.

Each time I speak with my brother, I notice that I am less and less irritated, angered, or bothered by having to communicate with him. In fact, very recently, our conversations are pretty comfortable. This shows me very clearly that the energetic entanglement between us is thinning, is dissolving. With this decrease, I can view him more objectively, with less and less reactivity. I can see him for who he truly is, a lost soul with control issues.

He has become so disconnected from his spirit that he thinks he has little control over his life. Because of it, the one thing he constantly seeks is control; control over others. And that is beyond sad.

Here’s to my being a work in progress. May my progress in this area bring me more and more peace. After all, that’s really what we all want, isn’t it? Peace in our heart.

How To Create Boundaries When You Have None

A very huge step in healing an abusive childhood, has been learning about personal boundaries, and creating them.

Because of how my life was set up from the beginning, I had no personal boundaries as a child, and even well into adulthood I had few. When as a little child you learn that if you exert your independence in any way, you might metaphorically get your head chopped off, you learn to not trust yourself. You learn that you are not ok, not enough, and that there is something wrong with you. You learn to stay on guard, for fear of being attacked. You keep your defenses up, and because of needing to stay in survival mode, a sense of self, self-worth and self-confidence doesn’t develop.

One of the powerful hypnotherapy sessions I had back in March 2014 that helped create personal boundaries, was one where I examined body image. I’ve had other sessions since this one that have helped strengthen my sense of self-worth and boundaries, but this was the first one that I experienced.

During hypnotherapy sessions with my soul-directed hypnotherapist, after having a short discussion on what I wanted to work on, she would relax me and guide me through a journey.  On this day, I decided to work on body image (which was poor).

Growing up, I didn’t have any women in my life to model healthy body image. My mother was always dissatisfied with her body, always on a diet, feeding me the message that she was overweight and not ok. I took that message into my little body and by the time I was 13, I joined Mom on the dieting bandwagon. For the record, my mother was not overweight, and neither was I, back then.

After putting me into deep relaxation, I was guided to hover above a timeline of my life and go back to a time where I first had an issue with my body (or dieting). I popped back to eight years old. Someone told me I was fat; probably my older brother, teasing me. Feeling sad and confused, I really took it in. Then, I was directed to have my current day adult me go talk to my eight-year-old self. I told my young self that she was absolutely perfect just as she was – she was not fat at all. And, that she had a great, strong body that was just right. When the young me heard that, she became very happy and joyful. She gained confidence and strength. I actually saw her aura pop out from her body, signifying that she developed a sense of self and some personal boundaries. She really felt good about herself.

Then, I was prompted to move forward in time to the next time I didn’t feel so great about my body. I was 13 and had gotten my period and was not sure about all of these changes in my developing body. I was very unsure about my new curves and boobs and period. I didn’t feel confident at all about myself, and was confused with all of the changes. When my older self talked to my 13 year-old self, I reassured her that the changes she was going through were very normal and natural, and that she had a great body that was very pretty, that she was cute, and everything was just as it was supposed to be. I told her that she would get used to her new body and that it was a great body. With the reassurance, I noticed that the 13 year-old me became very grounded and centered. The feeling was that nothing could knock her over. All she needed was reassurance from me. Her confidence soared.

Then, I moved forward to when I was barely 15 and just had my daughter. The 15 year-old felt completely ruined in every way. She felt physically ruined, emotionally ruined, just ruined. I told her that she had been through a tough time and got a bad deal, but that she was awesome and perfect. And, because she was only 15, her body would come back to being a cute teenage body with a little bit of healthy eating and exercise. Yes, she will always have the stretch marks, but that’s OK because she brought a beautiful little girl into the world. A little girl who would make a couple into a family, who would raise her well and that she would be happy. I also reminded her that she did NOTHING wrong. It was NOT her fault. At first, the 15-year-old got really mad, mad at the perpetrator who molested her, because he had ruined her perfect body. She was pissed!! It took a while, but she slowly came around to the idea that her body was great, and that she totally rocked. She was able to see that she did get her cute body back after some healthy eating and exercise and that it was a great, strong body. Finally, she felt awesome about herself.

Then, my hypnotherapist had the energies of the various me’s roll up the timeline and join in with present-day me. I felt the confidence and strength of the other me’s, and it felt more confident than present-day me. As the energy of each me moved forward up the timeline, I received a message from them. First, the eight-year-old, who had been waiting a very long time for her knight in shining armor to come riding in to save her, when all along, she realized, it was the adult me that she was waiting for. She was in tears with gratitude, thanking me for saving her. Then, the thirteen-year-old expressed her thanks to me for coming back and rescuing her as well. More tears. Finally, the fifteen-year-old was filled with love and gratitude that I had finally come back and saved her as well. Her message also included, “What took you so long?” Tears and laughter.

Once the transformed energies of the past merged into present time, I clairvoyantly got the message: “You don’t need food anymore. You have all of the me’s holding you up, keeping you strong.” What a powerful message.

From there, my hypnotherapist reinforced all of the positive, new thoughts and beliefs, rewriting my past and rewiring my brain.

I have learned that with each session, I clear away old, trapped energies. And, in doing so, change happens. It’s a process. Over time, small and even not-so-small shifts begin to add up. These days, I truly appreciate how amazing my body is; all of the things it does for me without my thinking about them. And, that it is designed as a self-healing, divine vessel for my beautiful soul so that I can experience this life I have.

Progress that I’ve seen in myself since this session over a year ago is now living with the knowing that I am amazing. The things I can do with regards to healing and transmuting energy are incredible. I now feel the brilliant light inside me, shining out. Yes, some days are tough, but on the whole, my sense of self is dramatically different.

I know that I am a little spark, an actual piece of the divine I call God. I am a bit that is experiencing contrast, expansion, pain, suffering, joy, happiness, love, sadness, frustration, and so much more because that’s why we are here on earth in a human body. Because I recognize the God in me, I now have pretty healthy boundaries where I value and cherish myself. I take care of myself, recharge my batteries, love myself, value myself, and appreciate myself. Because of this, I am mindful of my energetic self (as much as I can be) and do not give away everything I am and have. It is not loving to give yourself away to where you are drained dry. It is loving to stand by someone in support and just be there for them while they sort their life out (or not). That’s their journey, not yours. The love that we have for ourselves comes first, because if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else. It begins in your heart and emanates outwards to people around you and to the world.

Here’s a quick little exercise to see how you’re doing. Look into a mirror, into your eyes and say, “I deeply and truly love you.” You are talking to yourself, your soul and to God. Did you hear anything in your head? Was there a response from your subconscious? I used to get a clear response. It was, “Bullshit.” Not much love there. When I do that same exercise today, I receive positive responses. What an amazing transformation. And it shows in all aspects of my life; how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, and how I expect to be treated by others. And the process goes on!

Breakthroughs in Healing

Dear Readers,

I have been absent from this blog for six months. So much was happening inside me, so quickly, that I couldn’t figure out what to write.

What I did was go back to working with a wonderful transpersonal hypnotherapist. I had several sessions with her, and while I was doing that, I decided to also work with a woman who calls herself a medical intuitive. She can see energies in and around our physical bodies, and can see how they interact with it.

For example, if I want to know if a vitamin or supplement is good for my body, she will look at how this thing resonates with me. And if it doesn’t resonate well with me, she can look deeper into what it is about that substance that I don’t resonate with. She can see energetic cords between me and other people. She can look into disease processes that are in my body or are in my energy field, but haven’t yet entered my body. As I was healing from a broken foot, several months back, she would occasionally see foreign energies trying to set up shop in my wound, thus setting the stage for continued pain or possibly delayed or incomplete healing. She would clear them out or let me do so by picturing the area filled with the vibration of gold light. And these are just a smattering of her talents.

With the hypnotherapist, we would talk about what I wanted to work on, and then she would put me into a state of relaxed focus where my monkey mind was quiet and couldn’t get involved (this is hypnosis), and she’d lead me to the nugget of what I wanted to change. One of the first sessions I did back in February involved figuring out what was going on when I would often feel a generalized sense of unease and discomfort. I noticed that the only thing that would calm this feeling was food. In a blog entry soon to come I will elaborate in detail how this session went and what I learned and healed.

While doing this intensive therapy, I found out from my doctor that I had developed type 2 diabetes. And being morbidly obese with a food addiction didn’t help matters. Because my doctor is a naturopath, instead of putting me right on pharmaceutical drugs, she told me to buy a book, The Blood Sugar Solution, by Dr. Mark Hyman, and follow his program. After doing that for 3 months, she wanted to retest my blood sugar 3 month average, my A1C number. In a blog piece that will be upcoming I’ll let you know how this is all going. I’ll give you a hint though, it’s going well.

Less than a week ago, my son and I were on vacation staying with my younger brother and his family in a summer cottage. One of the things that has bothered me for years is that this brother was never told about my being molested and becoming pregnant by our older brother. When this all went down, little brother was away at boarding school. And then I went away to a home for unwed mothers; but told everyone I was away at summer camp.

One day I mentioned that I wanted to talk to younger brother and his wife when the kids were either asleep or not around. One afternoon, the kids were all out of the house, while brother, his wife, and I were sitting out on the front porch, and brother asked me what it was I wanted to talk about. He thought it was something to do with our deceased mother who had been bipolar. When I told him about my being molested by our older brother for about 2 years until it was found out that I was pregnant, he was, of course, in shock. He was angry and sad. I wish there was a way to share information like this that wasn’t so shocking. But when so much that you thought you knew wasn’t the whole truth, it’s a big shock to the system. Both my brother and his wife asked questions and over the next few days found opportunities to ask more questions. They also said that having that knowledge made some things make sense – like, out of our whole family (cousins included) I am the only one who is obese. I wish there was something I could do to help him process this, but that is work for him.

Some of the biggest news is that I have healed my eating addiction. With the diagnosis of diabetes, part of dealing with it was a significant change of diet. I have dieted many, many times before, and every single time I was plagued by food cravings. For my entire life I have had to fight food cravings. This time I cut out all grains, all starchy vegetables, all sugar, and all fruits except for a small serving of dark berries daily. Because of food sensitivities I also don’t eat any dairy or chicken eggs, and I rarely eat peanuts or soy products. Add to that, that I don’t eat red meat, and there are a lot of vegetables that I just don’t like. You would think I’d be struggling and having a very hard time with my somewhat limited diet. But no longer being plagued by cravings makes it an entirely different ballgame. Eliminating foods I previously craved, like pasta, toast and bread in general, and sweets, has been easy. The few times I was about to turn to food I realized it was an old habit, and I didn’t go there.

If I didn’t understand the way energy healing works, I’d have to call it a miracle. Quite frankly, I didn’t know if I’d ever reach this point, and it does feel like a miracle. Imagine someone who has been an alcoholic for their entire life, and then after almost 50 years they don’t need a drink… at… all. Period. That’s what I’m feeling.

With the things I worked on in hypnotherapy, I now have strong personal boundaries, I have a ton more peace in my heart, and I honor and take care of myself much more. It’s so sweet to be in such a good place.

With love in my heart,



Waves of Life

Things in life happen in cycles. But because I have a left hemisphere of my brain, they appear to me to happen in waves. I go through this and then that. And then this comes back for more.

I wake up exhausted for what seems like endless days. My nights are interrupted by life. But then I get a few good nights sleep and feel good again, but not today.

I react (and not in a good way) when I think about my childhood and the past. “Live in the moment” all the gurus say. It would be easy to do if I didn’t have the left hemisphere of my brain.

Then I remind myself of the higher perspective of my life choices. Yes, I chose to be born into this dysfunctional family. I chose to have a mother who was mentally ill. I chose to live under the same roof as a brother who would prey on me and use me as his personal sex toy. I chose to have a father who made a lot of decisions based on fear. And I chose to be an extremely sensitive, christened child of God, who would walk through fire.

I remind myself of how far I’ve come in my healing, and I notice moments in life when I remain calm in the face of a small tornado. I have actually healed quite a bit. But then that wave of feeling good moves through and another wave moves in, wave after wave.

I know that in order to manifest, I need to live in the energy of already manifested, already here. But it’s so hard when my reality, as dictated by my physical body, shows me that certain things I want are not here.

“I’m not patient, Mom!” my son told me one day when I was telling him that he needed to be patient. I’m sure that my spiritual team is telling me to be patient and to keep doing the work, but I’m not feeling very patient these days. Just waiting on another wave to take me to shore.

An Angelic Healing

Almost a decade and a half ago, I decided that I wanted to try using hypnosis to lose weight. You see, in an effort to protect myself from verbal and sexual abuse, and as a way to cope, I have used food for probably all of my life. As a child, I vividly remember being a sugar fiend. If I had any candy, it was gone in minutes. Ice cream, cookies, sweet, sticky candy; these were what I craved. I was never satisfied.

As a child I really wasn’t overweight. I look back at photos and see a normal looking, pretty girl. But I also remember having the belief that I was overweight, as early as 9 years old. My mother was always dieting, and by the time I was 12 or 13, I remember buying my first diet pills. Truly, I wasn’t overweight until college, when I gained about 20 lbs. Afterwards, I dieted and worked out, and dropped about 15 of those pounds. Going back to school in my mid 20’s, I gained another 20 lbs. or so, and then lost a bunch of it within a year of graduating. So, even though I might have been at most 15 lbs. overweight by about 30, I always felt fat, defective, and like I was used goods (from having been molested).

By my mid 30’s, I had gained a lot of weight, and I joined one of those national weight loss groups, lost almost 50 pounds, and then life brought me a string of years of major stresses. These included my bipolar mother being diagnosed with breast cancer, and then becoming very manic. When my mother was manic, that’s when she became vicious. Any time my opinion differed from hers, or she felt threatened in any way, she would verbally lash out at me. I would eat even more. She shared little about her cancer, other than letting me know that she was going to have a lumpectomy and some radiation; after which she was cancer free to the day she died. Her mania made my wedding planning and my wedding itself a small nightmare. The weight started to come back on.

Less than six months after being married, I was over the moon excited to find out that I was pregnant, having waited decades since giving up my daughter for adoption, to have a baby that I would keep and raise. Within a few weeks, I had intense food cravings, and ate. About two months into the pregnancy, I miscarried, throwing me into the pits of depression. For months after that, we couldn’t conceive. By the time we conceived another baby, my weight had ballooned to my pre-dieting weight, plus more, putting me to almost 250 lbs. With every uncomfortable emotion, I would eat. With every celebration, I would eat. And it wouldn’t be terribly huge meals. But adding a few extra pieces of toast here, and a bowl of ice cream there, a half a bag of candy, and snacking every night after dinner, before bed, on top of a fairly sedentary life, packs on the pounds before you know it.

Finally, fairly late in life, I had a baby that was mine to keep. But his birth came unexpectedly early, and he had to be flown to a hospital in the big city, where he could receive the support he required. For the second time in my life, I checked out of the hospital, having had a baby, with no baby in my arms. It was eerily familiar. But three weeks later, a month before his due date, our bundle of joy came home. From the start, I was more than sleep deprived. The baby didn’t nurse well, then he had some other issues. He didn’t sleep well, fussed a lot, and soon had a lot of meltdowns due to neurological issues. My hormones were out of whack. My thyroid was too. I was trashed.

And I was depressed for the first five years of my son’s life. I hadn’t realized that I was depressed until I read some things and wondered if my total exhaustion was in fact depression. When I brought it up to my doctor, she blew it off as having a busy young child. But I knew this was more than that. It took getting a glimpse of the world through non-depressed eyes to realize that I was, indeed, quite depressed. Switching doctors, getting hormonal and thyroid support, as well as having some healing work done, made a huge difference.

One day, I discovered a weight loss program where I could pay one (large) fee and see one of their hypnotherapists as many times as I needed, to lose weight. Unfortunately, the nearest hypnotherapist with this program was about 110 miles from me. But I really thought this was the way to go. I had long since realized that dieting was not going to help me. So, I made an appointment and saw this woman. We had a few sessions, and one day when I was deeply relaxed in hypnosis, something unexpected happened.

We were trying to work through some old hurts, when my hypnotherapist asked me to go to my “peaceful place.” I had previously established a peaceful place, and she asked if I wanted to go there or to a new place. This is when things got interesting.

Instead of my imagining a lovely green meadow or a tranquil tropical lagoon type of setting, I immediately found myself on the snowy slope of a mountainside. I had no conscious part in this- I was just there. Everything was covered with snow, with it falling so hard that there was a white-out. All that I saw was white and pure. Then, out of nowhere, I saw a big white angel for just a moment, off to my right, and then it disappeared. A moment later, the angel was behind me, enveloping me with its wings. The wings were huge and white. I remember that it stood a bit taller than me, and I sensed that it was most definitely an “it.” Neither a woman, nor a man. I have read that angels are an entity unto themselves, and have no specific sex- although they tend to have either a male or female energy about them.

It totally surrounded me and began to heal me. As I looked down at my body, it was now translucent, like a clear plastic, and snow was swirling around inside me. The snow was cleaning and purifying me. I felt my spirit becoming clean and pure. I was reminded that I am a child of God. And because God’s creations are perfect, I am also. The feeling was more than intense, and it left me thanking God over and over again.

What the angel did that day, was help me release the old label of “Used Goods” that I had carried for three decades. At that time, I didn’t know that we all have a guardian angel with us, as well as other angels that come in to help us whenever we ask. But I have since learned that we do. This was not the last amazing experience I would have in hypnosis. There would be more, and each time, they seemed to be of a spiritual nature.

Did the hypnosis magically cure me of being overweight? No. My subconscious reasons for eating are many; but I’ve been chipping away at them for the past several years, releasing old negative beliefs and emotions, and reclaiming the true light that is me, bit by bit. Do I still use hypnosis as a healing modality? Yes, for sure. It’s one of my favorite ways to discover the unconscious beliefs that motivate me every day. I have also discovered other “alternative” healing therapies that have worked for me, and I’ll write about them as well.

Welcome To My Story of Healing

Welcome to my place. It’s a place I have created, where I can write my truth. It might not be your truth, even if you have shared similar life experiences. But who knows? I go by Persephone because that is the name of one of my healing guides. She is gentle, loving, and lives in her truth. I have been working on living a life of authenticity, learning about myself and how I fit into this thing they call the universe.

My life began some forty something years ago, but my story goes back even further. In fact, it goes back several lifetimes. But for my purposes today, I’ll talk about what I learned during a hypnosis session about four years ago.

But first, a quick explanation about hypnosis. It is one of the healing modalities that I have used with success. It is a state of being relaxed and focused. When you are hypnotized, you can not do anything you don’t want to do, and you can get up and walk around and open your eyes at any time. Ever drive down a road and space out for a while, not really remembering the past several miles? That is a state of hypnosis. Another thing about hypnosis is that when your conscious mind is quiet, and the subconscious mind is brought forth, it can’t lie. Yes, you are open to suggestion, but the subconscious can not lie. That’s why a good hypnotist (or hypnotherapist- I use the term interchangeably) will not ask leading questions or suggest answers to questions they have asked.

Back to an illuminating hypnosis session. I was seeing this hypnotherapist with the goal of losing weight. His education taught him that behind compulsive eating, is a misbelief. And the route to find this misbelief is through our emotions. So, I would go into a session and we’d talk about a situation that brought up an emotional trigger that sent me bingeing. In hypnosis, he would ask me to connect with that feeling, that trigger, and to go back in time to the first time I ever felt it.

This one day, I regressed back to when I was a little 3 month old baby in my crib. I was crying for my mother, who wasn’t coming to soothe me. She was in the house, but left me to cry. I could sense that she was unable to deal with me at the time, so she just let me cry. At the time, she was bipolar and undiagnosed. When the hypnotherapist asked me if this feeling was new or familiar, I said it was familiar. Because I had felt it before, this was not the initiation of the feeling. He regressed me further back.

One stop was in the birth canal. Had to go further back again. I was in the womb and scared like crazy to be born. Had I bitten off more than I could chew? Went back again and was aware of being in a hazy, floaty waiting area. Waiting to be born. Had to go back yet again, and was popped into a small room where I was standing with my Spirit Guide, planning the life that I was about to enter into.

In a moment, I realized that before we are born, we plan lessons into our life. We strive to learn these lessons through our lifetime. And I also realized that when we die, we pass back to this other side and review the life we just lived, to see how we did. Did we learn the lessons? If not, what parameters can we change in our next life, so we might have a better chance to learn them. We judge ourselves. There is no external figure, such as how most people see God, that sits in judgement of us. The Bible got it wrong. This is my truth.

The lesson that was revealed to me that day was that I had wanted to feel “the pain of all humanity so I would be able to empathize better with people. And if I could empathize with them, then I could help them better.” That was what I got. And in order to feel a lot of pain in life, I decided to make an agreement with the soul who would be my mother, that she would be mentally ill (bipolar) and would verbally lash out at me throughout our lifetime together, when she was manic. And because of her mental illness, she would not really be there for me a lot of the time. I also made an agreement with the soul who would be my older brother, that he would be predatory towards me during our childhoods, and that this would evolve into sexual abuse. I made agreements with other souls to participate in my life in the capacity of other family members and close friends, but they weren’t abusive towards me. One brave, loving soul agreed to be in my life for just a short time, being born to me as my daughter, the product of molestation. She was given up for adoption.

Once the misbelief was uncovered, my hypnotherapist asked me, with my adult wisdom, if I still needed to feel all that pain. Had I gotten that lesson yet? The answer I got was that I had learned the lesson, and didn’t need to feel that level of pain any longer. In that moment, something in me shifted. To make sure change had happened, the hypnotherapist moved me forward in time, to each of the stops I had made when I was regressing me backward. At every stop, my feelings of fear, dread, sadness, and the physical tightness in my body that had accompanied these feelings, were gone. In their place was joy, happiness, and a new lightness of being. One layer of the proverbial onion had been peeled away and healed. Many more to go.