As a girl, I was molested by my older brother. Over the course of about two years, he would regularly molest me at night in my bedroom, and continued to do so until I became pregnant at fourteen years old. Less than a week past my fifteenth birthday, I gave birth to a baby girl, whom I gave up for adoption.
About six years ago, I learned that we, as souls, plan experiences to have during our lifetimes, with the goal of soul growth and expansion. What that means is, we want to go through challenging times, experience fear, anger, mistrust, frustration, hate, loathing, sadness, disconnection, despair, and pain, with the express purpose of finding ways to turn things around. We want to experience the exhilaration of moving from anger into happiness, from sadness into joy, and from mistrust into trust. And the deeper the pain, the more expansive it is when we can move into comfort and joy. Our soul expands and grows in this way.
A quick and easy analogy would be to think of the internal discomfort you feel when you have gas and need to burp or fart, and the relief you feel upon the expulsion of the gas.
A little bit deeper analogy for soul expansion is to think back to a time when you had an intense physical pain, like a migraine headache, or a stomach flu. Remember how excruciating it was to have your head throb, with the slightest bit of light, sound or movement aggravating it? Remember the feeling of a knife jabbing into your stomach during a stomach flu, or the discomfort right before you vomited? Now think back to when your headache was finally completely resolved, and there was no more pain or even shadows of pain. And remember after your stomach flu was finally over, when you were able to eat whatever you desired again. Remember the sweet relief, the uplifting happiness, and the renewed energy you felt?
An example of soul growth is when a person who grew up with judgment around something, like a person’s race, making them racist, is able to change their beliefs. Often it takes having an experience to show a person that their belief is no longer true for them. In that realization, judgment can be instantaneously dropped, and the soul expands.
Being able to sit in a place of forgiveness; to completely let go the negative pieces and parts of a horrible experience, to no longer be attached to the memories in any painful way, to have moved into a place of peace in your heart about an experience, is one of the sweetest things a soul desires to experience.
Our souls want to experience growth in a physical body in ways they cannot grow as only spirit and light.
The myriad of experiences we can have while were in a physical body is limitless. We start creating challenges by taking on a veil of forgetting, as we are born. We forget that we are actually divine spirits, bits of our source energy, created in order to create and experience. We don’t realize that things like judgment and misbeliefs are human creations.
As we plan our human incarnation (I specified human because our spirits have had many incarnations as things and beings other than human), we take advantage of our being in a human body and all of its primal desires to survive. The biggie is fear of death. What a motivator! Another is fear of pain. That most definitely creates change.
Our souls want to experience physical pleasures like eating, listening to music, touching something soft, seeing beautiful nature, smelling flowers and foods. We want to experience physical sensations that cause a range of emotions, from pain all the way through to pleasure.
Some of the challenges we, as souls, want to experience for the purposes of growth are physical deficit or deformity: being blind, deaf, or missing a limb or organ. We want to experience chronic illness and disease, from allergies all the way through having ALS, cancer, diabetes, and Crone’s disease. We want to experience emotional challenges such as feeling separation from source energy, or from the divine. We want to experience addiction in its many forms. We want to experience lack of self-love. We want to experience shame in its many facets.
Just after this past Christmas, I was thinking a lot about the soul planning and lessons I might have set up for myself. And with that in mind, and wanting to let go of more anger towards my older brother (it’s a process), I asked an intuitive for help. The woman who I sought out has the ability to channel wisdom through a group of beings in spirit. I asked her to see what was in my life planning that ended up giving me the experience of molestation and pregnancy. I wanted to know what lesson I had set up for myself to grow from.
We humans, with our need to judge others and ourselves, create the perfect petri dish for breeding shame and lack of self-love. Because of this, my soul decided this time around to go for some big-time challenges. I’ve had lifetimes of happiness with the soul who is now my older brother. And we decided to shake things up this time around and give me an opportunity to experience the very human emotion of shame. And not just a little shame, but to set my life up so I would experience a LOT of shame.
I was told that in planning my life, I didn’t set the specifics to be molested and to become pregnant, but my brother and I made an agreement that he would do things that would contribute to my feeling very deep shame. And in doing so, he, as a soul, out of his love for me, would put himself in the place of being hated, and distrusted. He would put himself in the place of deeply hurting his little sister who looked up to him. As a soul, I can imagine that this must have been tough for him to agree to. But I can also imagine his faith in me, that I could turn this around and truly grow from it.
I now see more of the dynamics at play, how I was set up to be able to be molested, how my mother and my brother were able to work in concert, one making it so I had no personal boundaries, no love of self or sense of self-power, and the other taking advantage of this, swooping in to birth the shame.
Things that contributed to my feeling intense shame were, the belief that I should have been able to stop my brother from molesting me, while at the same time being scared to death of getting in trouble, the cultural climate (severe judgment) around being a fourteen year old single pregnant girl in the late seventies, and secrecy that was created by my father out of his own fears.
If there was no fear on my part that I would get in trouble/ stir up a hornets nest if I told what was going on when my brother started molesting me, the molestation would have ended quickly. If there was absolutely no judgment around a teen pregnancy or one caused by incest, the pregnancy would have either been terminated (because I wouldn’t have hidden it), or I would have openly had my daughter. I might have raised my daughter with my parents help. Or I might have placed her for adoption with an open adoption. Without all the judgment, fear wouldn’t have been created, and intense and deeply held shame wouldn’t have been created.
Much of the healing work I’ve done has been around creating personal boundaries, taking back my power that I gave away along the way, and learning how to change deeply held beliefs that were created when I was little, just trying to survive; beliefs that no longer serve me. I now see that some of the biggest challenges I set up for myself were to remember my divinity, and to re-own self-love. These things are always here, always with us. We just need to find a way to get back to them, to remember and re-experience them.
For me, the quickest way to feel better is to drop all judgment and know that I am a spark of source energy, manifested into this miraculous thing called a human female body. The journey to feeling better and to forgiveness has been a long one, and I’m making tremendous progress. Here’s to a future of more and more peace.